Coping Strategies…

In a trend that is threatening to become the norm, I can’t muster the concentration to write the post I sat down to write this morning.

Maybe it’s just mornings?

(some days there just isn’t enough coffee.)

Thankfully it’s not the only thing I’ve been pondering lately.

Speaking of lately, recently – say, the last few weeks – I find myself giving more and more advice to people on Twitter, regarding potential coping strategies to use for their anxiety and depression.

Which should tell you something about the state of our modern mental healthcare system. No, no, I won’t say it explicitly – I’d like your head to not explode long enough to finish reading this post.

So, for kicks, I thought I’d make a bit of a list here. At least it will be a place to get started if you’re needing a place to start.

*DISCLAIMER*

I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.

What it will be is a person who has spent most of his life suffering from anxiety and depression and has been looking for ways to keep going for something like 30 years now, talking about the things I have found useful.

So, to give this set of tactics some kind of structure, I’m going to break it into 2 sections:

Short Term & Long Term measures.

Let’s start with the Short Term.

These are what I do in the moment to help ease my symptoms. Read as: Emergency Measures.

The first and easiest thing to do is to remove myself from the stimulus that is causing the acute reaction. I.E: get the hell away from the thing freaking me out. If it’s too much of an emotional overload, which sometimes it is, then fuck it, get gone.

Sometimes you do have to just get away. No shame, no bullshit.

What if you can’t split?

I knew I could count on you to ask the perceptive questions. I have the best fekkin’ readers.

So, if I’m stuck here are the other methods I employ.

Breath Control.  There are a number of breathing methods that can calm you down. I’ll describe some of them here but definitely do some research to find more, as these may not be completely useful to you.

The most effective I’ve found is the 4x7x8 method. (Credit to Dr. Andrew Weil, who may not have invented this method, but it’s who I stole it from.)

Start by placing the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, just behind your front teeth. Keep it there for the duration of the exercise.

Breathe in through your nose for a 4 count.

Then hold your breath for a 7 count.

Then exhale through your mouth – not moving your tongue – for an 8 count.

Do this circuit at least 5 times. (5 usually works for me. Occasionally I’ve gone as much as 10.)

Important point for this method: Keep your count length the same. Doesn’t matter if you use the one-one-thousand or one-mississippi method, or just watch the clock, but keep the counts consistent.

This has the benefit of working fairly quickly.

It’s a bit like hacking your nervous system.

There are a few methods similar to this. What they all have in common is that you will be exhaling for twice as long as you’re inhaling. That seems to be the action that triggers the mechanistic change in our nervous systems.

Another breathing method I have used successfully is Mindful Breathing.

This is a bit of an advanced technique and only works well if you have some training and practice in mindfulness meditation. And I’m not talking about that guided shit someone in HR thinks will make you more efficient/ productive at work. I mean actual Vipassana meditation. Look that one up. It’s all kinds of interesting.

Another method I use, rather frequently, but which requires practice ahead of time, I call Grounding.

(So, I have a long background in the martial arts. Practice any art for long enough and you begin to work with concepts of internal energy. Give it a name. For the hardcore skeptics reading this, I appreciate your skepticism. I will not talk about anything I can’t teach you to do in this post. I also will not ascribe to this technique any particular mystical significance. For all I know it could just be visualization, but it works for me.)

This technique works best when one is standing. (I find it works a little better for me when I have skin contact with the ground: bare feet on grass or soil, but it still works in sneakers on the pavement.)

Stand still, but do not lock your knees.

That’s important, so I’ll repeat it:

DO. NOT. LOCK. YOUR. KNEES.

Stand straight, allowing your bones to do most of the supporting of your structure. You may have to wiggle and sway a bit to find this balance point, but it’s there, so find it. You’ll notice it becomes a comfortable position fairly quickly.

For this next part, you can close your eyes, at first, to help the visualization, but as you get better with the practice learn to keep your eyes open. This is about a feeling, rather than a mental image.

Stand straight and breathe normally.

Imagine your legs as two hoses, or waterfalls, or pipes – whatever works for you.

Then imagine water rushing from your middle, through your legs, into the ground.

(it can be a rush, a trickle, whatever image you can create in your mind. You can also imagine it as beams of light. That’s worked for me as well.)

Do this until you can feel the movement inside your legs.

You don’t need to do it twice a day for 20 minutes each time or anything so structured. Once you can visualize it, you can practice it randomly throughout your day, 30 seconds here, a minute or two there. The more you do it, the better you’ll get.

When you can feel it – feel it, not just imagine it as a picture in your head – then you can use it.

When you feel yourself headed towards the badness, take the time to feel the energy flowing through your torso, down your legs and into the earth. The Earth is big. The Earth can take it. It can accept it without complaint.

And the Earth, the very ground under your feet, is also strong. It’s stronger than anything else you’ll likely experience in your life. And it’s got strength to spare.

So, let that feeling of water rushing, or of light, or of wind, it doesn’t matter, let that feeling flow into the ground, and – at the same time – feel the ground as it holds you up. Let the strength from the ground seep up into your legs, and then the rest of your body. Feel the bones of the earth supporting you just as your bones support your posture.

This is mostly visualization, and therefore a bit of an advanced method, but if you practice it, you can deploy it very quickly, even while walking.

But you have to practice it.

So, 1200 words into this post, and I’m just now switching over to the Long Term methods. Bit of a longer read than my usual. Thanks for sticking around.

The Long Term methods are what I employ, mostly daily, as a regular practice to help keep myself on an even keel. They help broadly and overall but are not meant for moments of intense freakout. I use them regularly to raise my base level.

These are, what I call, the 5 pillars of my mental health:

Diet

Exercise

Medication

Therapy

Meditation.

I’ll go over them each, briefly, because what works for me may not work for you and it’ll be better to stick to basic heuristics rather than getting deep into the weeds.

 

Diet: (relax, this just means your regular nutrition)

I eat in a way that makes me feel good, overall. Not necessarily good in the moment, but overall.

(for me, currently, that’s super low carb. Meat, nuts, green vegetables, butter, and some berries. But I’m also trying to lose about 60 pounds and this works well for me. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY. The other thing is, I don’t eat things that hurt me, like, again for me, anything with gluten in it, even if it’s amazingly delicious. [ok, sometimes I eat them, but not while I’m trying to lose weight. Too much inflammation for me].)

I recommend experimenting to find out what works best for you. Some genotypes do better with higher carbohydrates than others, some do better with higher fats. If you can’t consult a registered dietician, or afford one, which has been the case for most of my life, then read up on different protocols and experiment with them. Do restriction diets to see if you have food intolerances. There’s a ton of information out there, just do your due diligence in checking out their references and source material. Also, consult your physician before doing anything radical. 

 

Exercise: Get Some.

(Really. The odds are good you, like everyone else, aren’t getting enough. The body is made to move, and a lot more than you’d think.)

Beyond that, the research suggests that 30-60 minutes of vigorous exercise, 3-4 times per week has a beneficial effect – ie: it can lessen the intensity of anxiety and depression.

*Note: Exercise is not a cure-all. It most likely will not make your symptoms go away. Don’t count on it to do that. Also, it’s going to take a couple of weeks to feel the broader effects of exercise. It takes the human body about two weeks to begin to adapt to any physical stimulus. Again, again, your mileage may vary.

I like lifting weights. Training for either strength or hypertrophy works well for me.

Maybe you like cardio?

Great! Do that. The important point here is vigorous. The exercise must be intense, and it must be kept up for a certain length of time. (don’t worry, you can build up to it and begin gaining the benefits along the way.)

*If you’re going to employ this route, please check with your doctor to make sure you don’t have any health concerns that will be exacerbated by heavy exercise.*

 

Medication: (just a spoon full of… wait…no…)

Ok, this often the most touchy of all the subjects on my list. It’s one I didn’t deal with for a number of years, much to my loss.

See, I grew up in a time where behavioral health medications tended to make people into zombies. Fat, drooling zombies.

And that kept me vehemently opposed to taking medication for probably 20 years too long.

They have much better formulations and understanding of the subject now. It’s not complete, and not what I would call comprehensive, but it is a workable system, even if it requires experimentation. (There are some practitioners who are better than others, and there is a genetic test – expensive though it may be – which can help rule out certain medications for any individual. I hope that both these things will become more widely available, and soon. We need all the help we can get.)

I currently take the lowest dose of 2 different meds. I do this to minimize the side effects.

But I’ve been on them for a while, and like most medications for mental illness, I believe I am beginning to see diminishing returns. To wit, I will be finding a specialist to take over my med management. So, more experimenting for me. Much exciting! So side effects!

This is definitely something you want to see a doctor about.

 

Therapy: (your friends and family are not your therapists)

I’ll say it again: YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE NOT, AND CAN NOT BE YOUR THERAPIST!

If you suffer from anxiety and depression, you need to have a professional to talk with.

Your friends and family can and should be a support system, but they can not function in the role of therapist. They’re not qualified – even if they’ve got a degree. Too much bias. And, news flash, your friends and family will tend to think more like you, more in the same vein as you, than a stranger.

And you need a qualified, licensed stranger’s perspective.

Find one you work well with and get to your appointments.

If you can not afford a therapist, look into if there are any local programs. Sometimes they are administered through your local health department. Also, there are often local charitable organizations they will help with this.

So, let me repeat: Get a Licensed Therapist. Your friends, family, and/or clergy are not therapists. They can and should be a support system, but don’t count on them for therapy.

 

Meditation: (well, it works for me 😉 )

I meditate almost every day.

If you’re just getting started, it’s best to make it a part of your daily practice for a good while.

There are a plethora of methods of meditation. Find one that works for you. (but try to find one that doesn’t cost you money. Like, $1,400 to learn Transcendental Meditation?! Fuck you very much.)

There’s only one method of meditation I learned which cost me anything, and it was less than $200 over the course of more than 6 months.

You can find legitimate courses of study that are completely free. Start there, but do your research. Seriously, there’s a lot of bullshit out there. Don’t pay for it, and do some looking to see where it comes from and/ or how it works. Everything comes from somewhere, and usually, that’s a discoverable quantity.

I have found 3 types of meditation particularly helpful for my anxiety and depression symptoms:

Mindfulness – actual Vipassana meditation. It takes a couple of forms. Some are easier than others to get started with, but all are a bit too detailed to go into in this post. Easy to look up a how-to though.

Mantra – Mantra meditation is one of a group of meditations that require you to narrow your focus and concentration to a single point/ image/ phrase/ sound. It’s nifty, and you should look it up.

Auto-Hypnosis – This is one is another visualization heavy practice, and you definitely need a quiet, undisturbed place to practice it. There are plenty of books on the subject. You’ll even find some useful videos on the web. This method is good for changing the internal characteristics of your thoughts. It is a way to create new patterns of thinking, especially about yourself. If you have anxiety and depression, odds are you have some not so positive thoughts about yourself.

*Be careful with Auto-Hypnosis. You need either to be guided or to have attained a certain degree of focus before it becomes effective. (No, you won’t be able to make yourself unconsciously cluck like a chicken.)*

 

So, that’s my 5 pillars.

There are a couple of other things I’d like to mention. I thought, originally that they might go without saying, but no. Somethings do need to be made explicit.

First: Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. And make sure it’s quality sleep. How do you know if it’s good sleep? You wake up feeling rested, that’s how.

There are few things you can do which will be more beneficial to your mood and mental health than getting enough good sleep.

Second: Take the time in your week or day to do the thing that you love.

(don’t let it go more than a week. Really, don’t let it go more than a day or two. You will notice a difference.)

I’m a writer. I actually enjoy the act of writing.

I also like reading.

Big TV and Movie fan as well.

Also, if you keep up with my social media you’ll have noticed this, I sing karaoke. Usually once a week. It’s a way to blow off steam that works for me.

Find those things that work for you and crowbar them into your schedule.

Really.

If you wait for there to be time, there never will be.

Make time for them, just don’t lose too much sleep to do it.

(I run into this problem as I often read before bed.)

 

I’d like to take this opportunity to restate an underlying principle of everything I’ve listed so far:

These are all actionable steps you can take. They don’t require faith, or belief – only experiment and observation.

(with the exception of the Licensed Therapist, they don’t require you to rely on other people either.)

 

To restate: these are methods that I find useful. Your mileage may vary, and where indicated, definitely consult with your physician before the undertaking.

Often, due to portrayals in the media, or our own lack of knowledge, we tend to think that there is a panacea, a one-stop cure-all for anxiety and depression when the truth is that there really isn’t.

There likely isn’t just a single cause either. It’s probably a constellation of causes, all adding up to The Suck.

If there’s one thing I think would benefit the majority of humanity, at least in this arena, it’s giving up on the idea that there’s a magic key out there.

Often it’s a bunch of little things piling up on us.

The good thing about recognizing that fact is that we can use the same process to feel better; a bunch of little things, over time.

(Any one of which could feel like a huge step in the moment. For me, many of them have. But they’re steps you can take. You have the ability. Take one tiny step and it makes you more capable of taking the next one. And then it’s dominoes.)

I hope this is useful to someone out there.

Try some or all of these suggestions.

Do your research.

Find new methods.

Share them with anyone you think will benefit, or anyone who asks.

If you come up with something that works for you, that, of course, isn’t listed here, please put it in the comments. You never know who it could help.

Well, this post ran long AF, as the kids say.

If you made it this far, thanks again.

Until next time…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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American Virtues…

So, we just had a big holiday celebration, here in The States. It was the 4TH OF MOTHER-FUCKIN’ JULY!

And that’s the sum total of the amount I could get worked up about it – all caps, 5 words – and now I need a nap.

But, I’m fighting the sweet embrace of oblivion to tap out a few words about ‘Merica, because holidays, even the fun ones, are supposed to be a time for reflection. (Not the whole time, of course. We need a bit o’ partyin’ as well. We’re only human.)

And there is a bucketload of things to reflect on in the midst of our drinking and blowin’ shit up.

What does it mean to be an American?

What does patriotism look like?

How can I/ you/ they be good citizens?

Should one use lighter fluid to start a charcoal grill?

You know, that kind of thing.

For me, it hasn’t been any of those things. (No, not even the lighter fluid. Get a goddamn chimney starter for fek’s sake!)

I’ve been thinking about: what are our American Virtues?

(Before you get weird about that word, virtue just means strength.)

So, I suppose one could think of it as: What makes America Strong?

Yes, I get that there will be no end of idiots spouting off about “freedom” or the military or guns, or whatever. But they’re probably drunk, and definitely foolish. So, we’re going to ignore them for now and try to hash this out like concerned adults. Well, mostly…

You see, I’m not sure I know anymore.

In fact, I’m not sure I ever did.

I have some thoughts, but, admittedly, they tend to be naturalistic analogies. That is to say, I am not prepared to present evidence in the case. It’s just observations, and if strict empiricism worked we wouldn’t need the scientific method.

Let’s start with one I’m fairly certain of:

Diversity.

America is, currently at least, just about the most diverse country on the planet. We have more and more varied cultures and ideas per square foot in this nation than anywhere else on the face of the Earth. (If you have counterexamples, please leave them in the comments.)

Why do I think this is one of the things that make America strong?

First, the analogy. Genetic diversity.

We know, from studying the world, that genetic diversity makes a group of organisms stronger. And conversely, we know that genetic homogeneity tends to spell a species’ downfall. Genetic diversity allows an organism to adapt. The most adaptable becomes the most survivable.

Our cultural diversity serves the same function for the body politic.

Greater diversity is synonymous with greater adaptability and survival.

For us, it is a diversity of ideas, of minds, of perspectives that drives our ability to adapt and overcome.

So, an example: Nicola Tesla.

An immigrant. Also a genius. (If you think Tesla is just an expensive electric car, and don’t know about the man, you should go find out. I’ll wait. It’s worth it.)

Tesla worked first with, then in competition against Thomas Eddison.

Eddison’s idea to run power across the country was Direct Current (DC). It’s fairly powerful but can not travel long distances.

Tesla’s idea was Alternating Current (AC). It was marginally less powerful but could travel longer distances.

There was a whole thing about it. An elephant was electrocuted. Not good in general.

But the outcome of this competition was that you now have AC electricity in your house, and pretty much every house connected to the grid.

Why does that matter?

For one, it’s cheaper power to produce.

For two, the fact that AC can travel longer distances means that you don’t have to have a power plant in your neighborhood. (about 55% of them still burn coal to make electricity, so, be grateful you’re not living in that post-industrial hellscape.)

Anyways, Tesla, an immigrant, that’s who we have to thank for that innovation.

And there are plenty of other stories of immigrants helping to make America better, stronger.

Check this list out, but don’t stop there.

As a country, we used to believe that immigrants were the brightest, toughest, most resourceful people, to have gotten here from their home countries. We used to welcome them because we knew that adding the best, brightest, and most resilient would increase our capacity for those things.

If you look at contemporary immigrants, you find the same thing: resourcefulness, tenacity, intelligence, drive.

You’ll see it if you look.

You can’t trust the accounts of others. I’m not even suggesting you trust my accounting of the matter.

But you look, with your own two eyes, and you’ll see.

And if diversity is one of the things that make America strong, maybe we should start electing people who know and accept that fact and make it the driving motivation behind their policies.

They think they’re representing us, or leading us.

Let’s show them where we want to go.

Anyways, this is probably just the beginning of this exploration. Certainly, there exist more than one American Virtue.

It’s just that I need time to ponder it, and also, naps.

Leave a comment if you can think of any others. I do like exploring options.

Even if you can’t come up with something off the top of your head, if you’re an American, please take the time to think about it.

There are few things that could be of greater benefit to you and your country.

I’ll be thinking about it too…

…but first, a nap.

Until next time…

 

 

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Hot Takes on Universal Truths (PT 1)…

Disclaimer: I’m not convinced there are universal truths so much as there are universal facts. Facts aren’t truth, they’re just reality. Facts are what make statements true or not. But since I may be one of the only people who thinks this way, we’re just going to run with the common usage.

Here’s a thing we all deal with:

Impermanence

better known as: THINGS CHANGE.

But, you may be asking, what kind of post is this going to be if it’s something we all know about already?

Look at you, ahead of the curve, again.

And you’re correct, I’m not really here to speak to that thing we all know already, although, I’m not certain absolutely everybody knows it as such.

Anyways, this post is about the “we all deal with” side of impermanence.

Because try to ignore it as you might, we all must face the spinning hands of the clock – even for you digital types out there.

Beyond the question of how long our consciousness continues, or what happens when we die, is the BIG Question: Am I still Me?

Continuity.

If everything is in a constant state of change, that means I/ you are changing. And if that is so, what are we changing into?

Here’s the thing, once you acknowledge impermanence, you begin to see it not just as gateways to pass through, but as a continuous process. And it is. Even now, the words you are reading are causing chemical changes in the state of your brain, leading to changes in consciousness while, at the same time your cells are dying off and replicating – in a constant state of flux, so that – while they may appear the same – they are, in fact, different.

Yeah, take a minute to soak in that weirdness.

Hard to absorb, isn’t it?

And we, as a species, have been trying to reconcile it for likely most of our existence. The first recorded thoughts on the matter come about somewhere around the birth of Taoism, in Ancient China. Taoism may have been the first “religious” practice to embrace impermanence. It’s difficult to pin down exactly. There may be something about it in the Upanishads, but we’ll need a historian who specializes, and I don’t have one of them handy at the moment. So, we’re going with Taoism. That puts us somewhere around the 6th-century B.C.E.

But even the Western Tradition – read as the Ancient Greeks – were coming to a similar conclusion around the 3rd-century B.C.E. So, since Taoism is a bit opaque for a western audience, we’ll start with the Greeks and come forward from there. Don’t worry, we’ll be getting back to the Tao, in a Tolkien-esque fashion.

So, by way of Plutarch, we have accounts of debates – in this case between Aristotle and Heraclitus – on the nature of impermanence and continuity.

Why continuity?

Because if, as has previously been stated, everything is changing, even us, even down to our most minute, atomic parts, are we still us? Do I remain me and you remain you, even in the midst of all this change?

Enter Theseus’ Ship.

It’s a thought experiment. Here’s a place to start looking, but don’t stop there. wikipedia/ Ship of Theseus

Briefly, the experiment goes like this: A ship is brought into the docks to be repaired. The mast is replaced. Is it the same ship? Then the deck is replaced. Is it still the same ship? Eventually, every board and nail is replaced with new materials. Is it still the same ship?

Starting to see the connection to us and our constantly dying and replicating cells yet?

I knew you would. I have the best readers.

Aristotle took this idea and created the “Four Causes” solution to the problem. Feel free to read up on that. It’ll be illuminating for certain modes of our modern thought.

It also has a fundamental flaw: It’s starting from a conclusion and trying to work backward to an argument/ explanation that proves that conclusion.

In less archaic parlance, it’s adding epicycles.

(Ok, I’ll admit that example isn’t really less archaic per se, but it’s fun and you should check it out.)

Basically, Aristotle and his followers were convinced of our essential continuity and tried to create a system by which that continuity was preserved, even in the light of the implications of the thought experiment.

And by way of response, Heraclitus gave one of the most understated hot takes in history, “No man ever steps into the same river twice.”

Just let that one simmer in your brain-pan for a moment.

Heraclitus’ response succinctly states that continuity is an illusion.

Think of when you were a kid, on the Fourth of July. Out in the dark, writing letters on the night with a lit sparkler. Same thing.

(We call that “persistence of vision” but as a phenomenon, it is analogous to how we perceive our own existence.)

Nothing is continuous. Contiguous, maybe. Likely. But not continuous.

By all the available evidence, that does seem to be the case. Every 7 years or so we’ve replaced all of our cells. Every new piece of information we get changes how we interact with the universe, even if in subtle ways. And if you’ve ever listened to the same song more than once you know that no two iterations of any experience are ever the same.

No two meals.

No two kisses.

No two nights, high as the clouds on acid, lying in a field, holding hands with your best girl and staring up at the stars…

…But I digress.

It is a thing we intuitively recognize about the world in which we live. Sure, we dismiss it, take it for granted and as read, but it’s always there, a part of our awareness. But it’s funny how reticent we are to ascribe to ourselves this seemingly obvious and self-evident fact of existence.

Well, not all of us.

There are non-Western cultures that integrate this way of seeing the world and ourselves. You should look into that. It’s cool in the way certain hidden things are.

Taoism is one of them. Buddhism another. Certain Native American traditions. Some Australian Aboriginals, I think. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

But, just before you go, let me give you one Western-style take on the whole affair, by way of J. R. R. Tolkien.

(Admit it, you thought I forgot.)

The Shards of Narsil.

Yes, from the Lord of the rings books. The sword that cut the ring from Sauron’s hand and broke in the process. The one Aragorn used to prove his claim to the throne of Gondor. That sword.

If you’ve read the books, or seen the movies – so really, this can’t be a spoiler – you’ll know that the sword is eventually re-forged. And after it is re-forged, it is given a new name: Anduril.

Same bits of metal, put back together into the same type of form, to make the same type of thing, to serve the same type of purpose, but with a new name.

The new name being an acknowledgment of the inherent change in the thing itself.

But, in the West – whatever that nebulous term means – we don’t give ourselves new names when we begin new stages of life. We feel as if we are the same person from birth until death, even though we recognize that we go through different stages of existence.

So, I wonder, why is it so hard to acknowledge that we’re different people in those varying phases?

Here’s the thing: when you think about it, you won’t feel you’re the same person now as you were when you were an infant, or a teenager, or in your twenties. No one does.

We don’t feel like the same person, well, because we aren’t the same person.

And yet, we want to believe that this thing in our heads, this thought we call “I” has been eternal and unchanging – in some cases since the beginning of everything – in most cases at least for all of our lives.

I’m not suggesting we take on new names with each passing phase of life, althought that would be cool. But I am suggesting that I can see that “kid” me hated broccoli, but “adult” me quite likes it, and that’s because they’re different people. (See how the language trips us up here.) And that means “I’m” different people.

And so are you.

All of you.

Yes, even you.

Something to think about, at least.

Until next time…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hot Mess…

So, I was trying to write a completely different post this morning. If I’m very lucky, I’ll be able to finish it sometime this week. But that will be entirely predicated on my mind not sparking like a nest of half-stripped livewires.

Which, If I was being too subtle, it currently is.

Depression sometimes comes in waves.

(Kind of like my enjoyment of the music of Pink Floyd, anyways…)

Some days are blue. Some days are hectic, rainbow mixes of emotional states. And some days are pitch black, and you’re lucky if you can fumble your way along the wall until some light appears, somewhere.

I’ve had a few too many of those latter ones lately.

It’s a funny thing, but having and working towards a purpose – one you’re invested in – can almost make you feel like you’re not depressed. It does me, at any rate. But, here’s the thing: when you’re in between times, transition times, fallow times, your depression is always there, waiting in the wings for its next appearance on the stage of your life.

And by you, I mean me.

‘Cause really, I don’t know you. Your mileage may vary.

Right now, I’m at a bit of an inbetween, writing-wise.

I’m waiting for feedback from my beta readers for a short story project. I’m interviewing new beta readers for additional input on the second 3rd Eye novel.

Mostly, I’m waiting. And waiting gives space for my mental illness to poke its head in and ask me if I’ve heard of our lord and savior the ever-widening Abyss.

And here’s another thing you don’t often hear about depression: it makes it damn difficult to concentrate.

Dig it: I’ve never been diagnosed with any of the attention disorders, but my awareness shifts around pretty fast on the usual, and I’m accustomed to that and know how to work with it. I’m also an experienced meditator. Concentration, I got.

Except lately, I don’t got. Not so much anyway.

Imagine, if you will, a giant tornado, just a’tearin’ up the landscape of your mind. Roofs torn off. Trees uprooted. Bathtubs and mobile homes swirling in the gray-brown funnel of your attention. Now, see that note, on the scrap of paper, over there. No there! Nope, over there now. No there!

Well, maybe you’ve picked up what I’m putting down. I hope so, this shit is getting heavy.

So, that’s where I’m at.

And it’s a damned hard thing to explain to people, even people who’ve suffered from depression themselves.

Sometimes you struggle to tell people you’re struggling.

At least I do, at any rate.

Anyways. I thought this might do both: get me writing about something, and let some of the air out of the ravaging twister in my head.

I’ll have to get back to you on that second part.

For now, I’m out of juice.

Until next time…

 

 

 

 

 

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Coming Up for Air in Quick Breaths…

Breathe, that’s the thing I’ve been forgetting to do.

The dizzy spells, the inability to concentrate, the ravenous sugar cravings, it all makes sense now.

I’m fine…

Really…

I promise.

Anyway, I thought I’d drop in with a few quickies, as it’s been a while since I let my crazy run free in short bursts.

So, here goes:

Abortion, Drugs, and Guns all suffer from the same problem: make them illegal and only outlaws and the rich will have them. Georgia and Ohio, get your shit straightened out and your noses out of women’s reproductive rights.

Climate Change is the new Marijuana: Both Nixon and Trump commissioned studies on the respective topics, and both threw out the results without so much as reading them when they were at odds with their political agendas. The more things change, the more they…

…well, fuck.

The Incredible AOC and the Marvelous Marginal Tax Rates. They really don’t kick in until after you make 10 million dollars. Don’t believe the bullshit people spew about the mean old government taking 70 cents of every one of your hard earned dollars – that’s not how it works. And really, if you make more than 10 million per year, you could stand to pay more in taxes, if for no other reason than to reinforce the safety net for all the poor workers on whose backs you make your millions.

(That’s not communism, that’s just good, old fashioned American anger talking. We were founded by people who didn’t take kindly to rich folk doing all the taking and not giving back. Time we started to remember that.)

Drawn to Flame is still selling. Not as well as I’d like, but given I’ve really done no advertising for it, I’d say it’s doing better than I have a right to expect. Still not making a killing, or even a living off it yet.

Oooh, on the book front: I have a new short story out to my beta readers. This will interest you because it is a prequel story to the novel and because I’ll be giving it away for free to anyone who signs up for my monthly newsletter. (I think it’ll be monthly, hopefully, I’ll have something cool to update with every month. We’ll see.) Anyways, there will be more news about that fairly soon.

I’m about to start the third round of revisions on the sequel to Drawn to Flame.

I’ll save the title reveal for a little later.

But, if you’ve been paying attention, you might be able to guess when, in 2020, the second book in the 3rd eye Detective Series will be released.

I’ve also started working on the 3rd book in the series. Notes. Some descriptions. Maybe the first sentence or two. I plan on seriously getting to work on it sometime around the middle or end of August. Likely I’ll want to stay inside and away from the Tennessee heat by then anyways.

What else?

Oh, yeah…

…I’ve decided to try to get my posts up to a total of 200 hundred by the end of the year. That means, counting this one, I’ll need to post something like 43 more times.

Challenge Accepted!

Ok, time to get off the computer and ponder.

Until next time…

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Media Appearances…

…Well, just the one really.

The folks behind Authors in Abstract had me on their podcast. It was a good time. Maybe you’ll be interested in giving it a listen?

LISTEN!

If you dig the vibrations, check out some of their other episodes.

Check out some of their books – see if it’s your kind of thing.

Until next time…

 

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Howdy…

…So, how ‘ya been?

Sorry I’ve been away for a bit. Honestly, it was longer than I would have liked.

I had about a week after my book release, and I got Sofa King™ sick, have been out of commission and on everything but rollerskates since, trying to recuperate.

I feel like a living human today.

So, that’s an improvement.

There is a ton of stuff to talk about: politics, physical and mental fitness, strange vistas of human consciousness, writing, you know, things…

…But not today.

Today I just wanted to touch base. Let you know I’m still alive. Still banging my fingertips against the keyboard. Still trying to get the word out about Drawn to Flame:

(BTW, anything you could do to help would be greatly appreciated.)

Anyways, I’m going to rest just a bit more, and prepare for the work week ahead.

Thanks for hanging around. The place would be boring without you.

Until next time…

 

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Book Birthday!

Well, this thing that’s been in my head for too long to mention is now a thing that’s out in the world, waiting to get into your heads.

It was a ton of work getting here.

I imagine, it’ll still be a bit of work going forward, although, not quite as much because:

Drawn to Flame is in your hands now.

I hope it scratches at least one of your itches.

I’ve mentioned it, somewhere here before, but this is just the first story in the series. Caleb, and the rag-tag bunch he calls friends – and a few he doesn’t – have more trouble to get into.

Yes, the second book is already written. (I’m moving into the 3rd revision or so once I recover from this book release).

No, that won’t be the last book either.

Yes, it has a title.

No, I’m not telling you, yet.

When will it come out?

I might need a year to get it all together, and I’m fond of planetary holidays if that gives any clue.

But, before we go all a-cart-before-horse-puttin’ allow me to ask this one thing:

If you’ve taken the time to read Caleb and Company’s first adventure, would you please leave a review?

Goodreads and Amazon are great places.

There are others, as well.

Blog about it, podcast, youtube about it – whatever your medium, please, make a bit of noise for my story. It would really help.

At some point, I’m going to delineate this journey of mine with the benefit of hindsight. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ll share them so maybe you won’t make them too.

But for right now, I’m going to float for a while.

This has been a long time coming. Think I’ll take some time to enjoy it.

Thanks for walking the road with me.

Until next time…

 

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Drawn to Flame: Chapter 3

The walk back to my office was only six blocks, more than I needed to notice I had picked up a tail.

Jesus, the guy was bad.

Every time I stopped walking, or checked both ways before crossing a street, the shmuck would try to hide. Or worse, he would lean up against a lamppost, and try to look like he belonged there. In truth, it took me longer to figure out who he was than it had taken to notice his efforts. He was the goth freak hanging around the crime scene.

I’ve seen gawkers at any number of crime scenes. Usually, they’re neighbors. Sometimes they’re local reporters looking for a scoop, but this one, this one just screamed weirdo. Maybe it was the chipped, black nail polish, or maybe it was the long, stringy hair that looked several weeks unwashed, or just maybe it was the fact that he was dressed head to toe in black – in the ninety-degree heat of early September – that tipped me off. Yeah, that could have been it. Either way, he wasn’t a professional. I was sure of that. Didn’t recognize him from any of my recent cases, but he could have been violent all the same. He was in his early twenties if he was lucky, and guys that age tend to reach for violence as the first solution instead of the last. Just hormones, I guess. I can’t remember my own youth, but I can guess it probably sucked.

I figured I’d let him follow me for a bit. If there was going to be any kind of confrontation, I wanted to keep it off the street. I hate creating a public spectacle.

Short, Dark, and Stupid’s technique was so ham-handed that it would have tested even the most patient of men. I am not the most patient of men. In fact, I don’t even rate in the top fifty. All the same, I kept my cool and let him pretend to follow me back to the office. My hangover was quickly receding, leaving in its place a mild brain fog. Some potential violence would be just the thing to clear that up.

I rounded the corner onto my block and was visited with another surprise. Standing next to the squat, concrete steps of my building was a guy in a suit.

It could have been his posture or the blond crew cut that just screamed ex-military, or it could have been the briefcase, cuffed to his wrist, but I knew that this guy was, in fact, a professional; probably the courier. He let me come within ten feet of him before he took official notice of me, although I’m sure he saw me coming long before that. It was just a sense I got about him.

“Mr. Carson?” he asked.

“Yeah. That’s me,” I replied, attempting to make eye contact with the suit and remain aware of my new stalker, “A package for me?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do I need to show I.D. or something?”

“That won’t be necessary, sir,” he said, “Do you require assistance entering your office?”

I could have sworn he winked when he said it. It was quick and subtle, but enough to tell me he was aware of the situation.

“Nah,” I said, probably sounding a bit more bored than I actually was, “Got a bug-zapper in the front hall. It gets most of the pests.”

“Of course,” the suit said, “Shall we go inside, then?”

“Let’s.”

We trundled up the stairs and into the building. Well, I trundled, the suit’s steps were crisp and purposeful. I hoped for a moment that Short, Dark, and Stupid would bug out at the sight of this new player, but I had the feeling my stalker was too hot for the game to back off now. It would have made the day easier if he had left. Then again, the closest I had come to a good fight in the last month was nearly assaulting my newest client earlier that day.

Most times I truly don’t want the hassle of a dust-up, but after running into Barb I had a serious desire to feel my knuckles crunch against someone’s ribs.

Yeah, I have issues. Sue me.

The suit and I were all the way down the hall and nearly up the first short flight of stairs before I got around to proper introductions. I hate it when someone knows my name, but I don’t know his. Said his name was John McDaniels. I’d have made a whiskey joke, but I don’t know any that won’t start a bar fight. John was halfway up the steps when Short, Dark, and Stupid made his play. I had just put my foot on the bottom stair.

I heard his ratty combat boots clunking down the hall as he sped up to charge me from behind. I stopped to check one of my pockets, give him a chance to close the gap before I ran my play. He got up a good head of steam and was reasonably close before I spun on him.

Why is it they never expect you to have noticed them coming?

His eyes went wide, which gave him a more compelling view of my tightly clenched fist rocketing toward his sternum. Given the surprise, I expected him to hesitate. He didn’t. Just as my fist contacted his solar plexus, I saw the knife the little fucker had been palming. It wasn’t a big blade, he had small hands, but as anyone who has been stabbed knows, a small blade will kill you just as dead as a large one. I didn’t have time to think. My reaction flinched me to one side. Still spinning off to the side, I hoped I got far enough out of the way to avoid any serious damage. A flash of pain seared through me as the blade sliced through my jacket and bit into my right shoulder. It hurt too much to be a deep wound. So, I shifted my focus to inflicting as much damage as possible on my young assailant. Grabbing his pants and his scrawny neck I shoved my weight against him to slam him and his knife hand into the wall. That was the plan, anyway. He had already begun his next attack. A handful of shiny pain arced towards me as we struck the wall together. The impact didn’t jar the weapon loose, but it was hard enough to make it a miss. The blade shot past my throat instead of into it. I used the rebound off the wall to spin the son of a bitch across the hall and out of arm’s reach. In the breath distance afforded, I pulled a folding knife from my pocket and flipped it open. Allison hadn’t taught me a great deal about knife fighting yet, but I figured I knew enough to be dangerous.

Apparently, Short, Dark, and Stupid had a similar suspicion about me, because he got seriously cautious in very short order. We squared off, sizing each other up, looking for openings, and both noticed we were no longer alone.

John the Suit was standing on the bottom step, pointing a frighteningly large pistol at the kid.

“Would you like me to shoot him?” John said, as placid as a lake on a windless day.

I had been clenching my jaw, or else it would have hit the floor in amazement. Short, Dark and Stupid had a similar reaction to the statement. I could see shadows of doubt whirl in the kid’s face. Then John cocked back the slide on the pistol. The doubt on the kid’s face evaporated.

He broke and ran.

“I can still shoot him if you like,” John said from over my shoulder, still calm as cloudless skies.

“No,” I said, still shocked, “Thanks anyway.”

He eased down the hammer and slid the pistol into a nicely concealed holster in his jacket.

“Glock forty?” I asked, grasping at something to move on with.

“Yep,” he said, “Gets the job done. You don’t carry?”

“1911A myself,” I said, “I just didn’t figure on needing it for this.”

“You were going to slice it out with him?” he said, the note of incredulity ringing clearly in his tone.

“Didn’t think I’d be fighting just yet today,” I said, motioning up the stairs, “I just went out for a walk.”

“Some walk.”

“Sure was.”

And then my shoulder started to throb. Nothing like adrenalin to make a guy forget he’s been cut open. I moved up the steps as quickly as I could while still keeping my heart rate fairly low. No use in decorating the halls with arterial spray. John followed me up to the office.

My office was on the second floor of a badly renovated brownstone, in a neighborhood tucked into the University of Tennessee’s campus: affectionately known as The Fort. The tile in the halls always needed repair, and the air conditioner stayed broken through most of the summer, but, with a bleeding knife wound, I was grateful for the warmth.

I made it to my office without losing too much blood. John slipped in behind me and bolted the door. I would have given him a look if I could have managed anything other than a constant grimace of pain. Instead, I pulled a first aid tackle box out of a drawer and set to stripping off my shirt.

“That shirt is ruined,” he said.

“And I had just got the damn thing back from the cleaners,” I managed to say before the pain of cleaning out the laceration with betadine reduced my main method of communication to grunting.

John stooped and examined my shoulder.

“Fairly superficial, I think. You could probably get away with butterfly strips instead of stitches. But I’d go easy on it or it will open up more,” he said.

“Yeah, well, it’s not a month around here if I don’t end up in the emergency room.”

“Must be hell on the doctor’s bills,” he said.

“Yeah, some days,” I said with a short, snicker.

I bandaged my shoulder with the butterfly strips and a four by four square of gauze. Then I poured myself a drink. Too early for more ibuprofen, so I settled for Southern Comfort. I slipped into a clean shirt and, with a sense of remorse, chucked my old, bloody shirt into the trash. Someone better at sewing than I might be able to save the jacket, but I wasn’t getting my hopes up.

John the suit waited until I was comfortably seated in my chair before he uncuffed the briefcase. He drew out a videocassette and handed it to me.

“I was told to place this directly in your hands,” he said.

I nodded. Far be it from me to interfere with anyone’s sense of professional duty.

After I took possession of the tape, he closed the briefcase and re-engaged the cuff. He turned to leave and seemed to think better of it. Swiveling back, he handed me his business card.

“I don’t think I can afford your services,” I said.

“No. You probably couldn’t,” he said, “Keep it all the same. Maybe we’ll get together and have a drink sometime.”

“Not to be impolite,” I said, “but you’re really not my type.”

“Nor are you mine,” he said, “but if this is what passes for normal in your life, it must be damned interesting when you cut loose.”

“Never a dull moment,” I said.

“Of that, I am fairly certain,” he said, “By the way, did you know you have menthol cream under your nose?”

I had forgotten about it.

“Now that you mention it, the air does smell unusually fresh and minty,” I said.

He chuckled, mostly under his breath. And then he walked out, just as businesslike as he had walked in.

Everybody’s certain about me today.

I checked the clock and wiped my nose. My usual time to meet Allison down at The Dry Glass ticked nearer with every mechanical sweep of the minute hand. I would definitely go, but maybe she wouldn’t mind if I slipped away to watch the tape. I could use the VCR in the joint’s back room. I don’t own a TV, and Allison wouldn’t mind, would she?

With that set in my head, I let my mind wander. As usual, it wandered face first into a brick wall’s worth of questions.

For one: what the hell was going on with that punk kid? There wasn’t any reason, at least none I could remember, for anyone to come after me, much less with a knife. So, why had Short, Dark, and Stupid gone all stalker-happy with the blade? Moreover, what had he been doing loitering around the house where a woman had just mysteriously burned to death? I should have been upset that someone attacked me, but the pain and booze were dulling everything except the confusion. Could the kid have been waiting at the scene for me?

I had no idea. So, I filed it away for further thought at some other time. But something formless about the whole thing kept floating around in my head. It was doing an Olympic-level backstroke as I dialed Allison’s number.

When I hung up the phone, I knew only two things; that our appointment was still on and that I needed to use some of my newfound cash to buy another suit jacket. The knife slash, too jagged to sew without leaving an obvious repair seam, had killed my jacket. I mourned its violent passing and dug my spare out of the closet. I usually didn’t wear my gun to these weekly appointments but seeing as how the kid was still out there, somewhere, it seemed like a good idea to bring it along.

Too many things I didn’t know. That’s not unusual for the start of a case, so I let the thought drift into the shadows of my subconscious. Something would turn up. But that’s the problem with being a detective; I can’t do any detecting without clues. And, at that point, I had no clue whatsoever.

 

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Drawn to Flame: Chapter 2

I walked slowly to the address. It was only six blocks, but I needed to think. I had just met my new client, and the puzzles were already starting to stack up.

For one, how did he know so much about me? Was he having me followed? No, I would have noticed that. And exactly what had he meant when he said I was gifted? Also, if his sources were so thorough, why did he need a detective in the first place?

None of it was adding up. I was starting to get the sneaking suspicion that I was being used to take care of someone’s dirty laundry. I was still scratching my head when I arrived at the address.

The house was one of the less dilapidated Victorians in the neighborhood. It had been kept up by its owner, but just enough to rent. Detective Justin Hagen waited for me outside when I walked up. His nose was firmly buried in a notepad, and his glasses had slid almost completely off his face. Shrugging the hunch out of his shoulders, I could see his muscles shifting under the fabric of his suit. Justin’s built like a sprinter; probably ran track in high school or college. He must have slimmed down some in the time since, but he was still in much better shape than I was.

Justin was one of those people who wouldn’t have made it past beat cop in this town just twenty years ago. His skin, hair, and eyes were all a deep caramel, a trait I find fascinating, but that would have sunk him in an instant as a cop in a Southern city like Knoxville. Thankfully he was born in the right generation. He’s a hell of a detective. I’d thought about offering him a partnership, but I was barely making enough money to get by as it was. He’d have been a good partner, too. Everything about him screamed attention to detail, from his perfectly pressed slacks to his immaculately kept hair to his perpetually polished wingtips that gleamed like volcanic glass in the afternoon sun. The only piece of his ensemble that was out of place was his tie. It didn’t hang down or loose, no. It was a loud, blue and red number that looked like paisley, if paisley been painted by Salvador Dali, during an acid trip. I had to suspect the same attention to detail went into the choosing of his ties. Probably some kind of statement against authority.

“I thought you said fifteen minutes,” he said while pushing his spectacles back up his nose when I approached.

“Yeah, well, not all of us set our watches by atomic, naval standard. You have to allow for a few minutes in either direction,” I said.

“Whatever.”

“What ‘ya got?” I asked.

“Inside. Front room. You can’t miss it,” he said with a minuscule grimace.

I had worked with Justin a few times since he was handed the dubious honor of heading up the Special Crimes department, but I had never really seen him show any kind of emotion at a crime scene before. At the bar, after a case, with a drink in hand, sure. But never at a crime scene. He’s too professional.

Something must’ve spooked him.

A feeling like cold quicksilver wormed around in my guts as I climbed the porch steps and ducked under the police tape. I wrote it off as the hangover.

The front hall of the house was awash in the aroma of barbeque. It made me hungry and sick at the same time. My second reaction was sheer surprise that someone had been allowed to grill out at a crime scene. Then my brain kicked in and the cold chills trickled down my spine like ice water.

No one was cooking. Someone was cooked.

I made my way into the parlor and nearly retched.

Human flesh gives off a less-than-distinct odor when it burns. If you don’t know it’s a human being, charring, I’m told it can smell a lot like barbequed pork. I did not have the luxury of not knowing. In the middle of the parlor, on a small, oval throw rug, were the scorched remains of a person.

I felt the coffee come up in the back of my throat and knock its acidic fist on the back of my tongue. I choked for breath, caught it and forced myself to swallow. Puking at a crime scene is ok, for rookies. Puking on a crime scene is strictly taboo.

The body had been reduced to a cinder. There was no way of telling if it was male or female. It just lay there, curled into the fetal position, like some charcoal caricature of a person, its arms and legs folded up as if it had been trying to stay warm. My stomach threatened to crawl back up my throat for a second time. I jerked my eyes away from the corpse.

I tried to take in the details of the room; anything to take my mind off the lifeless cinder at the center of everything.

It was the type of parlor I expected to find. They run pretty standard in the renovated Victorians in this section of town; high ceilings, plaster coated walls, and smooth, hardwood floors. It was neatly kept. Nothing looked out of position. A small couch and a few end tables sat, minuscule, in the expanse of the room. Pictures hung, straight, on the walls, and fresh flowers filled a vase on a low coffee table. No television. There also weren’t any knocked-over lamps or gouges in the walls or floor. No signs of a struggle at all.

I suddenly found it hard to believe that someone could have burned to death in a room that well kept.

I stifled a nervous laugh and coughed into my hand instead. The boys in the crime scene unit looked up, for just a moment, before returning to the investigation. I spun on my heel and strode back out into the sun. Justin was waiting for me, sitting on the stairs, smoking a cigarette.

“How can you smoke those things?” I asked, settling down on the step next to him, “Especially with the smell coming from in there.”

“Smoke hides the smell,” he said, “A little. Want one?”

“I don’t think I’m up to it just yet.”

“Yeah,” he said, “You look a little green around the gills.”

We both snickered, then we both sat and stared off into the distance. I can’t say that I was doing much thinking. I don’t think he was either. I forced my eyes to move around, to come back to the moment.

There were a few people, civilians, milling about. Deaths and crime scenes are like any other spectacle: people tend to rubberneck. Hell, even one of the local goth-punks made an appearance to see the show.

Just another freak, trying to see what death looks like.

“What do you think?” Justin asked.

“About the rubberneckers?”

“Nope.”

“Oh, that,” I said, “I’m having a hard time with the whole thinking thing at the moment. I’ll get back to you on that.”

“Took a couple of minutes for me, too,” he said, exhaling a long stream of smoke.

“It’s definitely a she,” I said, “No man keeps his home in that kind of order.”

“I know a few fastidious souls who do,” he said with a smirk, “but what makes you so sure this is a woman?”

“Fresh cut flowers,” I said, “It speaks of someone who wants to bring beauty into her house.”

“Could be gay,” he countered.

“Nope,” I said, “Too subtle with the decorations.”

We looked at each other for a second, the barest traces of smiles daring to form at the corners of our mouths.

“Yeah,” he said, “I figured it for a woman too. No pictures of her or of family in the house. Think she was renting. We’re trying to nail down the landlord now.”

“Who called it in?” I asked.

“Anonymous,” he said, taking another drag on his smoke.

“That’s weird,” I said, “I kind of figured you’d have all of this wrapped up. Why’d the captain want me in on this one?”

“Not sure. It could have something to do with the circumstances,” he said blowing smoke through his nose like an amused dragon, “or it could be because I told him you might have some insight.”

“Maybe,” I said, going over the image of the parlor in my head, “It’s definitely strange. Nothing out of place. No scorch marks around the body. Spontaneous Human Combustion maybe.”

“Don’t know much about the phenomenon myself,” he said, “And that answer won’t earn your rate.”

“Figured as much,” I said, “If some kind of accelerant was used, there’d be signs of burning on something other than the body.”

“You’d think,” he said.

The coroner’s van pulled up and parked at the curb. The man in the passenger seat stuck his head out the window.

“The CSU guys done in there yet?” the passenger asked.

“Just about,” Justin said, “Should only be a few more minutes, I think.”

I walked over to the van and shoved my head through the open window.

“You got any of that menthol stuff to put under your nose?” I asked.

“Don’t really need it,” the driver said, “but we keep some on hand for you guys, just in case.”

He handed me the jar. I took some and smeared it under each nostril. I tossed it back and trudged up the steps to the house.

“What’s up?” Justin asked.

“I want to take another look around,” I said, “Care to join me?”

“Why not?” he said with a shrug.

He followed me back into the house.

The menthol didn’t exactly hide the smell of burnt flesh, but it lent it enough of a strange counterpoint that I could sense it as an abstract, instead of a more concrete, there’s-a-charred-body-on-the-floor smell. It kept me from wanting to vomit every couple of seconds.

I didn’t go back to the parlor, not at first. I headed upstairs to look around the second floor.

A neatly kept bathroom and office faced each other at the top of the flight. I poked my head into both. Nothing to see. So, I went for the bedroom at the end of the hall. It, too, was extremely neat and tidy. I was beginning to wonder if the woman who lived here was a woman at all. Maybe she was a nun, or a robot, or a robot nun. I was pondering her strange metal habits when the buzzing started.

Just an itching at my brain stem, at first, but the sensation grew more intense as I moved deeper into the room. It was positively jarring as I stood in front of the woman’s closet. The electric bees were awake.

I looked at Justin. He nodded, and I opened the sliding doors. The inside was out of place.

Thank god. I couldn’t have tolerated any more neatness.

Clothes hung at the sides, and a small altar stood in a cleared space in the middle. It was about three feet tall. Gold and green cloth lay draped over its surface. Several small statues, some of which I recognized, many of which I didn’t, stood arrayed around a small, silver bowl. Lying across the rim of the bowl was a slender, golden, ceremonial dagger. Whoever she was, she was a practitioner of some sort.

“Wiccan?” Justin asked.

“I can talk to some of the people I know. See if they knew her,” I said.

“But you don’t think so?”

“Not really,” I said, “The bowl and dagger fit, but the statue of Ganesh and some of the other figures, not so much.”

I took a step back and scanned the room again.

“What are you looking for?” Justin asked.

“This,” I said, lifting up an innocuous-looking throw rug.

Underneath, painted in white on the floor, was a circle, three feet in diameter.

“Don’t see that every day,” Justin said.

“Not on hardwood floors, no,” I said, “Not unless you’re hanging out with Aleister Crowley.”

“Isn’t he dead?”

“That’s what they say.”

Justin shot me a quizzical look. I just smiled.

“How long on the ID do you think?” I asked.

“We should have something later today.”

I dropped the rug back in place and headed for the door.

“What now?” he asked.

“Now we take another look at the body,” I said over my shoulder.

We hustled down the stairs and into the parlor. The CSU guys were just packing up. Justin told them to give us a few more minutes before they told the coroners to come get the corpse. I walked circles around the body. On the second turn, I saw a glint of metal out of the corner of my eye.

I knelt down by the body, motioning for Justin to join me. When he got to my level, I pointed out the glint.

Somehow, a necklace had survived the flames. The crime scene guys must’ve missed it under the layer of char.

Justin called one of them back into the room. The investigator slipped on a fresh pair of latex gloves and set to releasing the necklace from the burnt flesh. He snapped a few pictures, then pried it off the corpse, placed it in an evidence bag. He handed the bag to Justin and walked out.

“What do you make of this?” Justin asked, tilting the bag to catch the light.

“The chain might have been silver,” I said, “but whatever was on it looks like copper. Some kind of symbol or talisman, I think.”

The heat had melted the copper thing at the end of the chain. It was deformed beyond recognition. If it had been a talisman, there was no way to tell what kind.

“A copper talisman?” Justin asked, “What would someone use that for?”

“Don’t know,” I said with a shrug, “but if it was for protection, I’d really look into getting my money back.”

“Somehow,” Justin said, “I don’t think she’ll be redeeming her warranty.”

Gallows humor, sometimes it’s the only thing that lets you keep doing the job. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps you from crying. I hear it a lot at crime scenes.

Justin and I walked back to the front door. He signaled the coroners to come in and collect the corpse. We stood on the porch as they went about their duty. Justin lit another cigarette. He offered the pack to me. I waved him off.

I have no way of knowing if I smoked in my previous life, but I saw no use in starting up now.

“Oh, shit,” Justin said, almost choking on a puff of smoke.

There was only one thing that I knew of that could elicit cuss words from Justin while he was on the job. And she was slithering up the sidewalk directly towards us.

Barbara Hicks.

Barb, as we all called her, was as sharp and dangerous as her nickname implied. Barb was the star reporter for a local rag of a tabloid that specialized in strange happenings. She always dressed in classy blouses, skirts, and sensible pumps – nothing over three-inch heels. The professional manner of her wardrobe belied the creature that writhed underneath. She was lean and hungry in the way Shakespeare wrote. She had the look of someone who burned lean tissue into the night, thinking up ways to get a story or to get ahead.

And I hated her.

“You better get out of here Caleb,” Justin said.

“Yeah, before I punch her fucking lights out,” I breathed, already dangling one leg over the railing at the side of the house. She got up to the porch just as I managed a safe straddle.

“Caleb, Justin, how nice to see you here,” she said in that typically Southern, insincere, and saccharine-drenched drawl.

“That’s detective Hagen, Miss Hicks,” Justin said with only a minor scowl, “Try to remember it.”

“Oh, I’m sure I won’t forget,” she said, her intonation giving me a toothache, “and where are you going, Caleb?”

“Away,” I said, smiling as wide as I could, “and that’s Mr. Carson to you.”

I tried to make my voice as insincerely sweet as hers. I managed, just barely.

“Why, I haven’t seen you two together since the Delilah Simmons case,” she said.

I had to fight the urge to jump back over the rail and stomp on her empty, bleach-blond head. I could see Justin fighting a similar if more subdued urge.

“Yes,” Justin said coolly, “And, as I recall, you were warned against ever interfering with an active case, again.”

“And what are you gentlemen investigating now?” she asked, unphased by Justin’s threat.

“You know the police do not comment on active cases, Miss Hicks,” Justin said, ever the professional.

“What about you, Mr. Carson?” she asked.

“Go fuck yourself,” I said, my smile growing so wide it felt like it would crack my face.

“Charming as always,” she said, “but the both of you know that the press cannot be kept out forever.”

“Is that what you’re calling that rag of a tabloid you scribble for?” I asked, dripping sweetness.

Knoxville Uncovered is a respectable journal of reporting, I’ll have you know,” she said, her fake sweetness slipping.

“I’m sure it makes a perfectly respectable liner for birdcages,” I said, my smile becoming somewhat more genuine.

“Why, I have never….”

“Sure you have. That’s why you walk like that,” I slipped in before she could finish her sentence, the sweetness never leaving my voice, and the smile never leaving my face, “Now, get the fuck out of here before you get someone else damn near tortured to death, you fucking leech.”

That’s what it took.

She stiffened, spun on her expensive heels, and strode away, muttering something about not forgetting.

Yeah, I hope she doesn’t because I couldn’t forget – not ever.

Justin stared at me for a moment, arched his eyebrow in mock reproach, and continued puffing on his cigarette.

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to say that to her,” he said in between puffs.

“About as much as me, I’m figuring, but you have the grace and position to restrain yourself,” I said, “I have no such hindrances in my profession.”

“Sometimes I envy you,” he said.

“Sure,” I said, “And sometimes I get the bills paid on time.”

“Well, maybe not that part.”

“Definitely not that part,” I said.

“You better get going before she comes back with a lawyer or something,” he said.

“Yeah, sure,” I said, “Call me when you get a name.”

“Sure,” he said, “Call me when you get anything.”

“Sure,” I said and slid off the porch.

I slipped behind the house and down a couple of blocks for good measure. The long way home would keep me far enough away from Barb Hicks to avoid being tossed in the tank on an assault charge.

I could not afford bail just yet.

More images of Delilah Simmons’ face welled up in my mind. The picturesque school photo her parents had shown us at the beginning of the case clashed with the bloodied and battered image of when we found her. The blood won. It burned into my brain, the dark, dried streaks of blood in her dirty, blond hair; the jagged hole where her left eye had been. The anger bubbled up from my guts and made my hands tremble. I shook it off – pushed the images from my mind and attempted to concentrate on the case at hand.

I stalked back to my office in my own little world of rage and confusion.

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