5 Days in…

…And quite frankly, I’m getting to the point where I no longer give a flash frozen fuck about my health.

What am I talking about?

My recent attempts to quit smoking.

I had thought about quitting, seriously began thinking about it, a couple of weeks ago. But I learned – when I was a senior in High School – that it is near fatally unwise to quite smoking during final exams. So, I waited until the day after my last final. Thought I had it sorted:

I wanted to quit – frankly because I didn’t like the way smoking made me feel anymore. I believe economists call this, “diminishing returns”.

I had been using a vapor pen, and trying to find the right nicotine dose for it, for a while – interspersing it with my cigarette smoking. I also procured a supply of nicotine gum. I’ve had good luck with that in the past, figured it would help.

(I’ll note here, that I didn’t want to quit nicotine. No sir. I need that shit like caffeine and oxygen. But I wanted to quite destroying my lungs to get it.)

So, I wanted to quit. I had arranged my alternate coping mechanisms. I told pretty much everyone I see on a regular basis: to create accountability. I smoked my very last cigarette as mindfully as I possibly could. I figured, it would be difficult – I’ve quit smoking before for quite long stretches – but I also figured I was prepared.

I mean, a great deal of my friends, who smoke, have transitioned completely to using vape pens. And, whereas my fiancé still smokes, she doesn’t do it in the house.

Here’s the thing I didn’t factor in to any of my physical or mental preparations: The fekkin’ Holidays.

I did not count on just how much more difficult quitting during the holiday season would be.

And so, that’s where I am, swinging frequently between moments of calmness – though not quite my usual levels of semi-psychotic-serenity- and moments of sheer, nail biting anxiety.

This has taught me something very important:

If you’re going to quit smoking, don’t make any other fucking plans.

Don’t plan on working on your new novel. Don’t plan on getting into shape. Don’t plan on doing just about anything productive or that you’ve been putting off – quitting smoking is going to take all of that mental energy and more.

Truth is, as I said in the beginning, I’m getting tired of fighting. I want my damn brain back. I want to enjoy some minute of this winter break.

(It’s not a proper break; I still have work, but at least I’m not in classes and drowning in homework at the moment.)

I want to get things done, things I have been putting off until I had time.

I want the people that know me not to have to look at me with that odd combination of pity, worry, and annoyance.

Because if you quit smoking, you will – at some point I guarantee it – annoy the holy hell out of the people closest to you. Just accept that fact now…

…And apologize…

…And maybe buy presents. I find gift cards come in particularly handy at these moments.

So, that’s where I am: some fugue state between push, pull, and stall.

At this moment, if there was a cigarette – of my brand of course – in front of me, I would smoke it. Maybe I can stay locked in my house until that feeling passes.

Maybe I should have waited until New Years day.

I don’t know if I’ll win this particular struggle. And I’m not looking for encouragement.  I realize that’s a strange concept. But if I make this work, it will have to be for me, and for no other reason.

This is not a cry for help, nor for attention.

This is not me making a decision.

This is just a moment in time.

And me…

…Waiting for it to pass.

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An XL Problem: The Keystone Pipeline

Sometime ago, the day of the vote in congress, I tweeted that the Keystone XL pipeline was both dangerous and stupid. I also said that there would be more explanation to follow.

Well, here it is.

There are a number of arguments for and against the pipeline, here I’m going to explore one of them.

First, the pipeline will carry oil from Canadian tar sands. We know – because of spills in recent years – that this oil is vastly more difficult to clean up. It’s heavier, and tends to sink rather than float when it comes into contact with water. Also, we have no special or new procedures for cleaning up this type of oil.

That’s one.

Secondly, we know there has never been – to date – a pipeline constructed that was impervious to leaks. They all fail, and when they fail, a lot of oil comes spilling out.

Now, when most people think of the word ‘spill’ they think of spills in the kitchen; coffee stains on the counter, milk on the linoleum, that kind of thing. When thinking at that scale, which most of us do by default, an oil spill seems like no big deal. Except, when there is an oil spill it isn’t a few ounces on the counter or some drops on the rug. It’s several thousand gallons, often in the tens of thousands of gallons.

In the scientific parlance, that’s a metric fuck-ton of gunk, pouring out onto/ into the ground.

So, that’s two.

Thirdly, the pipeline’s proposed route takes it across one of, if not the largest underground aquifer in the central/ western United States. Millions of people get their water from that aquifer. Thousands of farms get irrigation water from that same source. What happens when that source is contaminated by this particular brand of hard to contain, hard to clean oil?

That’s three.

Add them together what we have is very difficult to clean up oil, the largest source of water in that part of the country, and technology where it’s not a question of if it will fail, but when it will fail.

The only conclusion I can draw from this information is that, if the pipeline goes through, one day it will fail and contaminate the main source of water for a third to one half of the United States. That’s people and farms. Citizens and the food supply.

And for what? So some huge multi-national conglomerate can make a little to a lot more profit? So we might get a few jobs thrown our way in the process?

Which do you think is more valuable, money or the ability to sustain life?

What matters more, lining some company’s pockets or putting clean food and water on America’s dinner tables?

I know what I choose.

I choose people over profit. Survival over some faceless shareholder’s dividend statement.

If you like surviving, if you like eating food we don’t have to ship in from other countries, you should do everything you can to fight against this dangerous and stupid project.

So, what’s your choice?  

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Why I Stop Worrying Once the Shit Hits the Fan…

…Because then it’s not about trying to avoid the splatter, it’s just about cleaning up the mess.

And that is your deep thought for the day.

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Putting the Civil Back in Civilization #2

Been a while since I pontificated on one of these little points, but a couple of close calls on the road tonight have convinced me that another entry needs to be made.

…And this one is about people on the fucking road.

I’d like to call them Moron Drivers, but it’s more accurate to call them inconsiderate to a fault.

You know them, and hate them.

They don’t use their indicators. They talk on their phones. They’re completely unaware of the laws governing operating a moving vehicle or of the other drivers on the road. And they drive either too fucking fast, or too fucking slow, and always in the wrong fucking lane.

I hate these people.

I hate them to the point of embolism inducing, psychotic break-having, complete rage storm.

I don’t get road rage.

I get homicidally, manic, crazy.

And I’m not quiet about it. I’ll roll down my window, lean out, and make eye contact. Just to make sure the other person is aware of my displeasure.

Hell, why should I be the only one suffering from their bad behavior?

So, I’m driving to my favorite pub to write, and pulling out of my apartment complex. I stop. Look both ways. See that it’s clear and begin to make my turn. When out of fucking nowhere some schmuck in an SUV comes barreling into the parking lot like he’s corning in the fucking INDY 500.

The speed limit is clearly posted. There’s plenty of light to see by. Essentially, this asshat has no excuse other than he is apparently incapable of being considerate to others who might be on the road.

So, while my sphincter is working overtime to try to keep my shorts a fecal free zone, I gun the engine into the turn and manage to just get missed my this lead-footed poster child for free and compulsory birth control.

Now, I’m already mad. But the vein in my forehead threatens to spray paint the inside of my windshield when I realize, the son of a bitch didn’t even slow down. Not even when he saw me. Didn’t even tap the fucking breaks.

Apparently he had complete faith in his insurance coverage, and quite possibly the fact that, if he hit, me, I wouldn’t still be alive to severely maim him afterwards.

And really, if that possibility doesn’t cross your mind when you almost murder someone with your vehicular inattention, you probably need to be killed.

Anger, I can has it.

So, I don’t turn around and introduce him to impromptu adult circumcision, as I would be quite justified in doing. No, I try to get my heart out of my eye sockets and my testicles out of my abdominal cavity, and continue on with my original plans for the night. No sooner has the adrenalin stopped making the back of my throat taste like I’ve been sucking on electrical wires than some other world-class douche nozzle decides to give me a vehicular encore of sorts.

Here’s a pro tip from someone who’s been driving for twenty years: when you’re speeding through a turn, into moving traffic, pull into the fucking turn lane!

Do not pull into both the turn lane and the lane where the fucking cars are. Especially if you’re driving a particularly small Volkswagen.

Yeah, that took a while to calm down from. And I’m certain, as I was not the only poor fucker who had to swerve, like a drunk on a bender, that it took many of the other drivers a while as well.

So, this could be some post about traffic laws, or actually learning how to handle the vehicle you own, but it’s not.

It’s about being considerate.

It’s such a simple thing, and yet, so many people neglect it – to the detriment of society as a whole.

Take a look around sometime. Tell me I’m wrong.

I’ll be happy to be wrong.

Pretty sure I’m not though.

Being considerate costs us so little, personally, and pretty much nothing financially. It doesn’t ding the pride. It won’t make you ashamed, or lose face. And I promise you won’t lose your erection in the process.

What it will do is make the world just a little bit softer, just a little bit nicer.

And it might just keep me from killing someone on my daily commute.

So please, take the time to get off the phone. To use your indicator. To obey the relevant traffic laws. It could save a life.

It will certainly keep me from having to write this blog from jail.

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20 Years After…

I’ve been trying to figure out something.

See, I’ve been here, in Knoxville, TN for 20 years now, and I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

I came here when I was sixteen years old. My mother had just remarried and moved us to Endicott New York to live with her new husband. For a number of reasons – none of which I’m going to go into here – living in New York didn’t work for me. My parents got separated, and eventually divorced, when I was about five years old. My father had always wanted me to come live with him. Since I had been spending the month of July – every year since I was about twelve – with him, I had some friends here in Tennessee. I knew some of the territory.

It was a meager state of belonging, but it was still belonging.

So, I moved down here. And I’ve been here, pretty much ever since.

The friends I’ve talked to about this don’t quite know what to think, much less to say, about my current state of mixed emotions. I can’t say that I blame them. I don’t know what to think about it either.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing about it here.

If you haven’t read this story before, I’ll save you the details and just say that I did not find what I was looking for here in the South.

And now, twenty years later, the place I called home for the formative years of my life is mostly a collection of memories that seem to fade with each passing year.

I have made memories here. Good ones. Bad ones. Memories that shimmer and memories that grind. I don’t know if it has been more good than bad. I don’t even know where to start evaluating. All I know is I’ve spent most of my time feeling trapped here; stuck.

I’ve tried, on my better days, to make the most of the life I’ve lived here in Knoxville. But I’ve never felt like I belonged here. I’ve put down roots. I have friends. I met my a few loves and my wife to be here.

I’ve also hated, here.

Maybe that’s just life. That’s what people tell me, at any rate, But I don’t know.

Perhaps I am just one of those poor souls who is never quite satisfied, who never quite feels right.

John Lennon said, “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”

If he’s right, then I’ve made a life, such as it has been, here.

I don’t know. What I do know is this: if I had told my sixteen year old self that I would spend twenty years in this place, it probably would’ve driven me even crazier than I already was at sixteen.

I definitely would have told him to not be so afraid of debt and just get student loans to make it through college, but that’s the subject another rant altogether.

The funny thing is, I’m fairly happy with who I am. But I’m not prepared to bite the philosophical bullet that asserts I wouldn’t be who I am without all the experiences that led up to this. There’s a fair amount of pain I’m sure I’d be better off never having had to endure.

And now, twenty years later, I’m still here. I know this place. I know its roads and alleys. I know its beauty and its grotesque. I know who I am here and have gathered to me people and things that I care about.

But it still doesn’t feel right. I still don’t feel like I belong. Since I came here, I have always felt out of step. A moment too fast or slow – an inch or so out of place.

Maybe that’s just part of who I am.

Maybe it would be like that wherever I went.

I don’t know. I don’t think I will any time soon.

Maybe it doesn’t matter.

I’m still here.

And here I’ll stay…

…At least until grad school.

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For What it’s Worth

I was talking with a friend, over lunch today, about entitlement. Well, really about what turns people into entitled douche nozzles, but entitlement in general. It got me thinking about worth.

I wonder what we value, as a culture?

There is an axiom in philosophy that says, you know what a person values by their actions.

I believe that is the case. One can say what one wants, but what one does tells the world what one values, or else, why would one waste the energy?

And if you observe how our culture acts, what we value – on the whole – emerges. And it is not pretty.

Here’s a short list, (feel free to tell me if you think I’m wrong):

1) Money

2) Fame/ Celebrity

3) Our Individual Egos

(I’d say power, but that – to my way of thinking – falls fairly securely under the ‘Our Individual Egos’.)

Those seem to be the three general categories.

(I’ll remind you here, this is not about what you, or I, or someone specifically else values, it’s about what we seem to value as a culture; collectively.)

I thought about explaining/ defending each one of those, but you have eyes. Go look for yourself.

But, I will give an example.

There was this beautiful piece of land, here in Knoxville. It separated two large shopping complexes. It was just a field, not hilly but not perfectly flat. The owners cut hay on it a couple times a year, and when the nights grew cool, and the mist rose from the honeycomb of limestone that much of Knoxville sits above, it covered the gulleys and runs of this field first. In the light of the full moon, it was one of the most beautiful things you will ever see. Heart-breakingly beautiful A small island of peaceful green, smack dab in the middle of the intersection of consumer, strip mall hell and an overly large church compound.

(And why is it that churches build fucking compounds now? When did worship become a fucking defensive maneuver?)

It never failed to touch my soul – if ever I had one. And it never failed to touch the souls of others, after I pointed it out.

Do you know what they did?

They scraped the goddamn thing flat and built another fucking strip mall on it.

Why would they sell such a lovely piece of nature?

Because it made someone a metric-fuck-ton of money.

That’s it. Just money. Just a representation of wealth.

I can’t help but feeling that it is like eating the menu instead of the food.

Here is this place. Natural. Beautiful. Still providing someone with income from the hay proceeds. And it wasn’t enough. No one thought that its beauty, its uniqueness was worth enough to keep as it was – unspoiled. They only thought about the money they could make off its sale.

This saddens me in a way I can not adequately express.

We lost something there, not just the place, but a piece of ourselves; maybe a piece of our souls.

Someone is monetarily richer for the exchange, for whatever fucking good that does.

How much is enough?

How much are we willing to sacrifice to the green paper god that most people seem to worship so dearly?

As an aside, I’m sitting in a tavern while I write this. Nearby, there is a conversation happening. One guy has just laid down some knowledge. It wasn’t profound. It wouldn’t shatter and remake anyone’s world. But it was solid and edifying, and real. Do you know what the response of one of his companions was?

“How does knowing this make me money?”

There is a place in side me that screams for me to get up and shake the bastard. Slap him in the face like they did with hystericals in old movies. I think if I had a Zen stick, he would not be safe.

But I know it would do no good.

He has been so inculcated by the fucked up values of this culture that he literally – at this moment – is not capable of knowing any better.

And you don’t punish children who are too young to understand why they are being punished.

We talk a lot of shit in this culture, especially about what we value.

God. Country. Family.

It’s all bullshit. And it has been for a long time.

And it makes me sad. It makes me weep for the species.

We’re not exceptional anymore. We’re a bunch of money grubbing gutter snipes, fighting over the nickels dropped by people un-preoccupied by the state of their pocket change.

I could deliver a few platitudes now:

‘be the change you wish to see in the world,’ or, ‘we can get back that magic,’ but they all just feel sour in my mouth.

The truth is, we’re a beat-down culture, and most of us are just barely making it through the day, let alone have the energy to make a difference. There is a large portion of this country just hoping they can get by; hoping things get better.

And like a movie, someone nearby is softly singing a Christmas carol – high soprano and sotto voce. I don’t know if it’s hopeful or sad.  Maybe it’s both. Maybe hope only comes in the midst of sadness. I don’t know.

I can’t tell you what to do. I wouldn’t, even if I thought you’d listen.

All I can say is, for me, I do not intend to go gently into that good night.

It’s just not my way.

My way is to Rage against the dying of the light.

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Coming out of the Basement…

If you read my posts at all, you’ve probably gleaned the notion that I am a strange fellow.

I have yet to figure out if it is me that is strange, or the world…

…Maybe it’s both.

Suffice it to say, I tend to see the world in a strange way. Again, I’m thinking you’ve noticed.

Something else you’ve probably picked up is the fact that I tend to ruminate on things.

It’s a fair cop. I do.

Partly, this is due to the way I was raised. Partly, it’s because most of the time my brain is whirring faster than anything else in my world. The rest of the time, I try to sleep.

It’s September, and more than just being one day closer to my favorite season: fall, it is also Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.

What, you may be asking, if anything do these two asides have to do with one another?

Simply put, I suffer from depression. Have most of my life.

(Note: this is note one of those letters and I’m not reaching out for help here. Just to be clear.)

I guess I wanted to come out of the depression closet – or basement, as may be more appropriate – because mental illness, in this country at least, still has a big, red-lettered stigma attached to it.

And it doesn’t seem to matter how much education is available on the subject, the general populace still seems to see depression, anxiety, what have you, as a sign of personal weakness.

I’m here to tell you, it seriously fucking isn’t.

If you ever see me on the street, the odds are good, I’m suffering from some degree of the depression that has been with me since I was a child.

Most people can’t tell.

I used to think it was because most people aren’t looking. Then I thought it was because most people are too wrapped up in their own issues to notice. There may be a bit of both of those floating around in the general public.

But, nowadays, I think it is because I function.

I get up, go to classes, go to work, listen to my friend’s problems, work towards my future, cook dinner, do the dishes, and take care of my personal hygiene.

I am a functioning depressive.

Sometimes I need medication. Sometimes therapy. But 99% of the time I’m walking and talking and taking care of whatever my business happens to be at that moment.

Quite often, because I function, people don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. As if I should be hiding under the covers with the curtains drawn, only to venture out, dressed head to toe in black – to buy clove cigarettes and black eyeliner – because, ‘no one understands my pain.’

Yeah, not that guy, at least, not anymore.

I always liked Portishead better than Morrisy or the Cure anyways.

I guess the point of this missive – if any of my missives are sharp enough to leave a scratch – is that, without serious and compassionate discussion with your fellow human beings, there is almost no way to tell what pain someone is in or what battle they are fighting.

And they are, trust me on this, everyone of them fighting their own personal battles.

Depression and suicide seem to go hand in hand in this country; probably in humanity at large. Hell, even I’ve thought about it once or twice, when things got really bad.

I’m either too stubborn or too scared to have ever given it a go. Those that know will probably lean heavily towards ‘too stubborn’.

They’re probably right.

But I have lost friends to suicide.

And I have stayed up all night, on the phone, in the bar, in the hospital, driving around the darkened streets, just talking to someone who had the presence of mind to ask for help.

And if you think mental illness is a weakness, then you don’t understand strength. Strength is doing what is hard. And there is little harder than carrying around that kind of pain and feeling like you can’t tell anyone because either a) they won’t care, or b) they will look down on you for it.

Asking for help is strength, because it is one of the hardest things anyone will ever do.

Maybe I’m a bleeding heart, but I can not turn my back when someone in that much pain asks for help.

I wouldn’t want to be the kind of person who could.

(Those fuckers are scary, and usually end up making suits out of some co-ed’s skin.)

And it doesn’t matter what kind of pain I am in myself. If I have even just a sliver of strength left in me, I’ll use it to shim up someone else’s world if that’s what they need.

This is how we survive people, as individuals, as a society, as a species; we help each other.

A broken crutch, when you need one, is better than no crutch at all.

Anyways, I would prefer it if you – out there – helped the ones around you that need it. I’d like it if you could see.

But I’m not going to tell you what to do.

I will offer one small piece of advice:

Just remember that everyone is fighting their own battles, and they seem just as terrible and insurmountable to them as yours do to you.

At least, in that, we are all the same.

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That Fiction I’ve Been Promising… (it’s only about 3k words)

“The Last Sacrifice”

by

Tess R. Arnold Jr.

 

“Why are we working on our day off again?”

“Because we need him.”

“Fuck you, wee need him.”

“You’re not my type, and we do need him. So, keep digging.”

“You mean they need him.”

“Yes, they need him.”

“Why now?”

“The Holy See doesn’t explain itself to me. It orders. I obey, and you should keep your voice down.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re being watched.”

And they were, but not by the Vatican.

High above the archeological dig site, beyond the clouds, where they would only be seen as a few more anonymous stars, twinkling in our night sky, the glittering eyes of the Elohim watched humanity on glittering screens in their glittering ships. They watched and they waited to see what humanity would do.

 

Joseph Temple watched too, from his bench, waiting for the bus. The Lincoln had rolled by twice now, slowly, its dark tinted windows soaking up the gray light like a collection plate for morning services in the Abyss. When he was younger, Joseph would have said to Hell with the bus. Better to be late to work than hit by a stray bullet. But he wasn’t young, and the chill of the Detroit morning had sunk into his aged bones. One more day of useless work seemed too long; like eternity. Maybe a bullet wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would be an end to the weariness of an unimportant life. So, Joseph just watched as the black-eyed beast swam languidly down the block and turned the corner. He knew it would come again, trolling the neighborhood until it had spotted its prey. He hoped it would happen before the bus creaked to a stop in front of him.

 

The call came to every nation that had a government to listen. It came in a hundred languages. Mystics and lunatics alike heard it as a lullaby in sleep. The Elohim had come.

Imaging satellites turned from their earthly observances to confirm. Heads of state watched from secure locations as the enormous ships, diffuse and blurry at the edges, began to appear on high definition screens. Their message was simple:

“Prove your worth.” The message said, “Or be planet-locked for the next galactic cycle.”

For decades our radio signals had beamed into space. For decades our scientists trained radio telescopes into the outer dark, searching for signs of intelligence. Not all of the messages were sent by scientists. The Nuremberg rallies. War propaganda. Coded messages. Calls for violence and genocide, all radiating heedlessly into the unknown reaches of the stellar deep. When the first of our primitive probes breached the furthest boundaries of our solar system, the Elohim took notice.

They came in their glittering ships, twinkling like stars in the night, in open defiance of Einstein’s laws. They came and demanded evidence that we were not as unthinking and barbaric as our errant signals suggested.

In our arrogance some doubted their power. When the first foolish missiles flew, the Elohim removed all doubts.

Quietly, without fearful words or threats, a shaft of light, like the sun streaming through a cloud, descended on the capitol of the aggressor nation. In the space of a whisper, without fire or smoke, buildings and people simply vanished. There was no radioactive waste land, no thunder or mushroom cloud, just a shifting of the wind that left behind bare, unmarked earth where the seat of a nation’s government had once stood.

The remaining world leaders asked, humbly, how humanity could prove its worth? The reply from the Elohim was as pregnant as it was simple:

“Show us you know the meaning of sacrifice.”

Religious leaders were consulted. Faiths were restored, albeit with modifications. Tired examinations of ancient holy texts were revivified. Answers needed to be found. Immediately, vast amounts of funding poured into archeological expeditions that had been toiling in relative obscurity. The Vatican made it priority number one to find the remains of Saint Peter. The day of judgment was upon them, and they would not be found wanting.

 

“Why now?”

“What?”

“Why. The. Fuck. Now?”

“What do you mean?”

“How many popes have known about this location? How many grants have we written and had refused? How much laughter and derision have we endured trying to dig up this Old Rock?”

“Too much.”

“So why now?”

“I don’t know, but I’m not willing to ask either. Just keep digging.”

And so, the two archeologists – whose names remain locked in a secret file in Vatican city – continued to dig, in the heat and the dirt, and continued to wonder at their sudden good fortune.

 

The decision was made not to tell the people, but secrets have a way of getting out. Children and scientists with telescopes told their families and colleagues. Privileged clergy told a few supplicants to bolster flagging faiths. Those others with the knowledge told the people closest to them and made preparations. But time enough had not passed for leaks around the edges of this most momentous of secrets to spread to the populace at large. Fears of mass panic kept it off the news and out of the papers, at least temporarily.

 

So, Joseph Temple sat on his bench and watched the grim reaper on twenty inch rims slide by, hoping for a quick end. All the while the Elohim glittered silently in the space above and waited for an answer.

The bus was late. Its driver having been informed of the impending judgment during morning confession, he stayed at home preparing his soul, while the dispatcher scrambled – without success – to find a replacement. Joseph, arthritis throbbing in his knees and hands, was used to waiting. He had waited all his life, to grow up, to find a job, for things to get better, for employers and educators and the police not to notice the color of his skin above and beyond all else, and for the spirituals his grandmother used to sing to him when he was a boy to come to pass. The whisper of ,’we shall overcome’, echoed in his head. He had long since given up waiting for those things. As he tried to massage some of the ache out of his cracked and swollen hands, Joseph knew that all he waited for now was an end. The big rimmed Lincoln slow rolled the block for a third time. Joseph stared into its black windows like the darkness on the other side of death, and waited. His only thought, please, please before the bus comes.

 

Half a world away, in the blistering heat of the afternoon sun, the bones had been found. Experts examined high resolution scans and determined the bones of the wrists and ankles to be just so; showing the signs of crucifixion. Found in a tomb, in the correct location, these could not have been the bones of any mere Roman criminal. Convinced they had found their prize, that humanity’s worth had been secured, the images were transmitted to governments who quickly beamed the data into the heavens. The Elohim, high above in their glittering ships, responded just as quickly; with silence.

Without warning atomic clocks, measuring the ticking of time all over the world, reset themselves and began counting down.

 

Children had gathered at the school bus stop near Joseph’s bench. Classes were still in session, and outside from some kind of hiccup in the clocks, school would start as normal. The morning, being cold for late Spring, had them huddled together in their coats, brightly colored backpacks jostling for a spot near the warm center of the cluster. Joseph watched them, and remembered waiting for a long ago bus, standing in the chill, cradling his books, too poor to afford either backpack or coat. He shivered now, as he did then. The books were gone, and with them, those childhood dreams of something better. He had a proper coat now, not that it mattered to his arthritis. As Joseph watched the children and waited for what he hoped would be a quick end, another, different hope sparked in his mind; a hope like the dying embers of a fading fire. Joseph hoped that those children would have something, something better than his succession of dead end jobs and hard scrabble existence, something better than a weary body, aching joints and nothing to show for it but a cold wait for a late bus. Joseph watched the children, playing childhood games on that gray Detroit morning and hoped, never knowing that he was being watched himself, by the glittering eyes of the Elohim.

The changing of the clocks spooked the various leaders of the world. Transmissions were hastily beamed toward the Elohim’s glittering ships, pleading for information. The message was sent in a hundred different languages, all asking the same question:

“How do we prove?”

 

The last of a long line of Samurai trudged, stolidly up stone steps to a mountaintop temple. There, with great ritual and ceremony, he composed his death haiku, unsheathed his wakizashi and committed seppuku.

On the top step of a pyramid, hidden deep in the Yucatan, a shaman, descended from the Mayans of old, raised an obsidian dagger – handed down from his ancestors – enunciated the old prayers, and slit his own throat.

On a hill, in the Philippines, several of the pious had themselves nailed to wooden crosses and hoisted, painfully, into position before the setting of the sun.

In a small, shack church, secluded in the hills of Tennessee, a poor preacher held up a rattlesnake to his congregation. After his sermon, he drank, full, from a mason jar containing the snake’s collected venom. The congregation knelt and prayed in a circle around him as he convulsed and died. The rattlesnake slithered away.

News agencies, having gotten wind of the leaking information, looked at their own clocks, ticking down to zero, and began preparing reports. The breaking news would make it to air, before the countdown ceased.

Governments, all over the world, waited for a response from the Elohim.

None came.

 

“I don’t think the bus is coming,” one of the waiting children said.

“You always say that,” said another, “It’s just late.”

“Yeah,” said the first child, “But today it’s really late.”

Joseph thought so too. He knew public transportation couldn’t be relied on, but school busses you could usually set your watch by, give or take ten minutes. He wondered what was keeping the yellow beast. Maybe it was the same thing that made his own bus late.

Unfortunately for the human race, what kept the busses from arriving on time had nothing to do with traffic.

Watching the children wait, Joseph drifted along the current of more bittersweet thoughts, mostly about his own childhood. And then he saw a local thug take his regular position, for the day’s dealing, on the corner just beyond the children. He remembered the Lincoln, cruising the street, its windows black eyes of death.

Joseph’s feet began moving before he was aware of it. The arthritis screamed in his joints, from too long sitting in the cold, but he forced his legs to move, to carry him past the children and on to the young gangster on the corner.

“You got to get out of here son,” Joseph said.

“Fuck you old man,” the thug replied.

“They looking for you,” Joseph said, “They been down this block three time already.”

“So,” the thug said, raising his shirt to display the handle of the Glock jammed into his waistband.

“They’s kid here,” Joseph pleaded.

“Whatever, old man,” the thug said, “Fuck off. I got business.”

Anger surged in Joseph’s tired muscles. If he’d been younger, he’d have beat the punk to a pulp and dragged his ass off the street. But he wasn’t younger. He was old, and tired, and the thug was spoiling for a fight. And fight was something Joseph had lost long ago.

Joseph limped toward the children, hoping to get them out of the line of fire.

“Hey,” he said, “Guess you didn’t hear. School called off today.”

His attempts were met with some laughter, and some suspicious stares.

“Go on home,” he said, “It’s all over the news. Nobody gonna’ get in trouble.”

Joseph had lived in the neighborhood most of his life. A lot of the children recognized him. Those who did, looked for a moment to see if he was serious, then ran off, hooting and cheering as children do when school is unexpectantly canceled. But some didn’t recognize him, and they stayed, not ready to risk an ass whippin’ on the word of a shabby old man waiting for the bus.

Joseph was trying to convince them, when he saw the Lincoln turn the corner and come creeping up the block. Fear turned his insides to cold, slithering things. He started yelling and waving his arms, hoping to frighten the remaining children off. Most ran, but one froze. A little boy, no more than ten, stood before Joseph, shaking with fright and could not move. The Lincoln glided closer, a dark eyed shark in bloody waters. The windows inched down. Barrels of automatics peeked though the narrow openings. From far away, someone shouted.

Joseph grabbed the boy and spun, making himself into a shield, and hoping it would matter. It was thunder and smoke and hard punches to the back. Joseph tumbled to the ground, the boy wrapped inside his old frame.

There was pain, and burning, and the squealing of tires, and more shots before silence came again to Joseph’s ears. Neck too stiff, muscles, too weak, he craned to look. The death car was gone, but he could still hear it as it rumbled down the next block. The thug on the corner was down, and did not seem to be moving.

Slowly, with great effort, Joseph levered himself off the boy and slumped on the sidewalk. The boy was crying; screaming. Joseph took a hold of him and checked for wounds. He found none.

“Hey. Boy. Listen,” Joseph croaked, caressing the boy’s head, “You okay son. You okay.”

The boy didn’t seem to hear his words. Joseph raised his hands and took hold of the boy’s face.

“Look at me son,” he ordered, ” Breathe. Good. Now, you get home, fast as you can. You hear me?”

The boy sniffled and snorted, but nodded his head. Joseph brushed the tears from the boy’s cheeks.

“Go on son,” he said.

When Joseph let go, the boy scrambled to his feet and took off. It was more tripping than running, but he still made good time. Joseph let the rest of his weight drop to the sidewalk, which was, curiously, not as cold as he expected. Black bars bordered his vision. He forced his eyes to stay open until the little boy was safely out of sight. He was tired, more tired than he had ever been in his life. Too damned tired. Maybe he would just rest here, on the ground, until the bus came. Just a little rest for his weary body.

“I’ll jus’ close my eyes for a minute.”

And he did.

 

From their glittering ships, the Elohim watched with their glittering eyes transfixed on glittering screens as the life flowed out of Joseph Temple. In the last flickers of his fading consciousness, they projected a single thought into his mind:

“Why?”

“Jus’ a baby.”

Contained in that single, dying thought were all of Joseph’s hopes for the future, all his hopes that the world would be better for the boy, for all children, better than it was for him. Contained within that thought was the conviction that they deserved a chance, any chance, to hope, to dream, to live.

The Elohim recorded all of Joseph Temple’s final thoughts and emotions. His last thoughts were of his grandmother, singing spirituals to him when he was a small boy. His last thoughts were of joy and possibility.

 

From their glittering ships, high above the heavens, the Elohim sent a single message, to all the governments of all the world.

“You have been deemed worthy, for now,” it said in a hundred different voices, “Explore your system as you will, but no further. We will be watching.”

And, with that, the glittering ships of the Elohim vanished from the sky. A few less twinkling stars in our night.

 

Press reports were prepared and news conferences were given. The airwaves flooded with conjecture, and speculation, and conspiracy theories. Governments made statements, denials, and non-denial denials. Every person who could was glued to televisions and radios, marveling in awe and a little terror, the fact that we were no longer alone in the universe. School was, in fact, cancelled for the day.

And, on a local newscast, on a small television, in a cramped tenement in Detroit, one small boy, no more than ten, pointed to the screen and told his mother, in gasps and tears, about the shabby old man who had saved his life.

The End

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An Experiment…

So, I think I’ve got this PayPal widget working on my sidebar…

…Which means, after a little more editing, I’ll be posting one of my short stories here for your reading pleasure.

(I think it’ll be pleasurable, but I make no guarantees.)

Anyways, be looking for “The Last Sacrifice” to be making an appearance in these pages in the near future…

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Compartmentalization

There is a trend that has been nagging at me. Nothing so fully formed as to make an argument, but nagging, nonetheless. I’m not sure exactly what it is. So, I come here and work it out in text. Maybe it’ll help.

Because it is not a fully formed thing, it will help if I give some examples of what I am seeing and reading and listening to in the news media. These things, in no particular order, cause some unfathomable area of my brain to itch.

They are:

1) The first man to buy legal marijuana in the state of Washington was fired from his job. Not because he failed a drug test – as far as the story reported – or because he was high at work, but because his employer saw the press of him being the first person to purchase what was no a legal substance for personal use.

I don’t so much care what your views of legalizing marijuana – or any drugs for that matter – are. That’s not the point of this example.

The point of this example was driven home to me by the subheading of the article, which amounted to – for give the paraphrasing – what if it had been alcohol?

It’s a needful question. What if?

Weed was now a legal substance, available for recreational use in his state. If he availed himself of it, strictly on his off time, and had no security clearance to maintain, why should his employers get to say word one about it?

and then there’s this:

2) A school in California – I forget the name but I believe it is a private institution – had its teachers sign contracts wherein the teachers were contractually obligated to adhere to Catholic Doctrine, not only in the classroom, but in their private lives as well.

Huh?

As it happens, in a diverse populace, some of those teachers are not even Catholic.

Now, the HMFIC said he’s going to walk back those clauses on the next round of contracts, but for this year – at least – they stand.

Stranger still is this:

3) The Supreme Court has ruled that Hobby Lobby can have the First Amendment Rights of a real person, and because of this, and the company’s so-called religious objections, they (the company) does not have to pay for (as part of their employee insurance package) contraception.

Eh?

What all of these instances have in common is work (monolithically speaking) intruding into the private, personal lives of employees.

This, in no small way, bothers the hell out of me.

Work and life really should be two separate things.

(I know, some of you love your jobs to the point where your life is your job. Good for you. You’re in the minority. Most working Americans do not love their jobs to that degree. Hell, I love my job, and still don’t want it intruding on my private life.)

There was a time when life was work. You slept, ate – if you were lucky – and went to work, and that’s all you did. But that kind of life kills people; some in obvious ways, some from the inside out. Workers of the past fought long, hard, and sometimes paid in their own blood so that future workers (us) wouldn’t have to live that life of strenuous deprivation: work until you’re exhausted, sleep, repeat until dead.

I think it is a good thing that work has its own sphere that can be disconnected from life. It is important. We need time, to create art, to play with our children, to watch the sun rise or set. We need time to think, and to ponder. We need time to innovate and invent. We need time to engage in our political process. And we need time to engage with ourselves and each other. In short, we need time in order to have full lives that are not nasty, brutish, and short.

We need time not on call, not responsible to our employers – time to do with what we will.

I suppose the trend that has been itching at me, spurred on by those few examples above, has been of employers sticking their noses ever deeper into our private lives. Not all of them, mind you. Some employers still have a sense of decorum and human decency. But if you go surfing the interwebs for a while, I guarantee you’ll find enough examples of the kinds of intrusion I’m talking about to turn at least a few of your hairs white, overnight.

And it’s not getting better. Not in America, at least.

Increasingly, (especially with unemployment as high as it is) workers have been diminished to mere numbers. Profits have been put above humanity. (I suspect that has always been the case, broadly speaking, but didn’t it used to feel different?) And unscrupulous employers have made ruthless use of the reality that so many are unemployed that the workers don’t need to be respected or protected because they can always get new workers – people out of work for so long they’re willing to put up with just about anything to have a paycheck. (I know what that’s like. I’ve been there once or twice in my working life.)

Add together a few ingredients: High unemployment, stagnant or lower wages, lack of respect for labor, and work increasingly encroaching on one’s private life…

…I’m not going to venture what, exactly, this is a recipe for, but my hunch is I don’t want to be the one to clean it up when it all boils over.

Is there anything we can do about it?

Hell, I don’t know.

You really can’t teach good judgment and empathy. And if you could, I doubt those responsible for these types of infringements could or would want to learn those skills.

And the truth is, I could be wrong. This could just be a reaction to sensationalist media and its penchant for going with negatively biased stories. Or, it could be a peculiar quirk of my personality that reacts thusly to this kind of stimulus.

Like I said, I don’t know.

But it’s been bothering me.

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