Been a while since I pontificated on one of these little points, but a couple of close calls on the road tonight have convinced me that another entry needs to be made.
…And this one is about people on the fucking road.
I’d like to call them Moron Drivers, but it’s more accurate to call them inconsiderate to a fault.
You know them, and hate them.
They don’t use their indicators. They talk on their phones. They’re completely unaware of the laws governing operating a moving vehicle or of the other drivers on the road. And they drive either too fucking fast, or too fucking slow, and always in the wrong fucking lane.
I hate these people.
I hate them to the point of embolism inducing, psychotic break-having, complete rage storm.
I don’t get road rage.
I get homicidally, manic, crazy.
And I’m not quiet about it. I’ll roll down my window, lean out, and make eye contact. Just to make sure the other person is aware of my displeasure.
Hell, why should I be the only one suffering from their bad behavior?
So, I’m driving to my favorite pub to write, and pulling out of my apartment complex. I stop. Look both ways. See that it’s clear and begin to make my turn. When out of fucking nowhere some schmuck in an SUV comes barreling into the parking lot like he’s corning in the fucking INDY 500.
The speed limit is clearly posted. There’s plenty of light to see by. Essentially, this asshat has no excuse other than he is apparently incapable of being considerate to others who might be on the road.
So, while my sphincter is working overtime to try to keep my shorts a fecal free zone, I gun the engine into the turn and manage to just get missed my this lead-footed poster child for free and compulsory birth control.
Now, I’m already mad. But the vein in my forehead threatens to spray paint the inside of my windshield when I realize, the son of a bitch didn’t even slow down. Not even when he saw me. Didn’t even tap the fucking breaks.
Apparently he had complete faith in his insurance coverage, and quite possibly the fact that, if he hit, me, I wouldn’t still be alive to severely maim him afterwards.
And really, if that possibility doesn’t cross your mind when you almost murder someone with your vehicular inattention, you probably need to be killed.
Anger, I can has it.
So, I don’t turn around and introduce him to impromptu adult circumcision, as I would be quite justified in doing. No, I try to get my heart out of my eye sockets and my testicles out of my abdominal cavity, and continue on with my original plans for the night. No sooner has the adrenalin stopped making the back of my throat taste like I’ve been sucking on electrical wires than some other world-class douche nozzle decides to give me a vehicular encore of sorts.
Here’s a pro tip from someone who’s been driving for twenty years: when you’re speeding through a turn, into moving traffic, pull into the fucking turn lane!
Do not pull into both the turn lane and the lane where the fucking cars are. Especially if you’re driving a particularly small Volkswagen.
Yeah, that took a while to calm down from. And I’m certain, as I was not the only poor fucker who had to swerve, like a drunk on a bender, that it took many of the other drivers a while as well.
So, this could be some post about traffic laws, or actually learning how to handle the vehicle you own, but it’s not.
It’s about being considerate.
It’s such a simple thing, and yet, so many people neglect it – to the detriment of society as a whole.
Take a look around sometime. Tell me I’m wrong.
I’ll be happy to be wrong.
Pretty sure I’m not though.
Being considerate costs us so little, personally, and pretty much nothing financially. It doesn’t ding the pride. It won’t make you ashamed, or lose face. And I promise you won’t lose your erection in the process.
What it will do is make the world just a little bit softer, just a little bit nicer.
And it might just keep me from killing someone on my daily commute.
So please, take the time to get off the phone. To use your indicator. To obey the relevant traffic laws. It could save a life.
It will certainly keep me from having to write this blog from jail.