#onlytuesday Tweet Archive

#ONLYTUESDAY TWEETS

Feb 14, 2017

#onlytuesday because hating Mondays is so yesterday…

Feb 21, 2017

I know you’re tired and hurt, and this day is almost over, but suck it up because it’s still… #onlytuesday

Feb 28, 2017

Going down like a sandpaper slip & slide…

…that’s right, it’s… #onlytuesday

Mar 7, 2017

Our politicians are corrupt, our president is nuts, & we owe our souls to the company store, but strap in, because it’s… #onlytuesday

Mar 14, 2017

Turn on the news, to see what’s fresh in the Decline of Western Civilization, and it turns out it’s still… #onlytuesday

Mar 21, 2017

Corporations took over our gov’t, we’re about to lose health care, & people are mad about Wonder Woman’s armpits? Could it be #onlytuesday?

Mar 28, 2017

You ever get a paper cut while trying to open a Band-Aid? Yeah, that’s what it feels like to remember that it’s still… #onlytuesday

Apr 4, 2017

Your team may have just won the championship, you may have cashed in big in the office betting pool, but it’s still… #onlytuesday

Apr 11, 2017

Ever fart in the morning and then have to rethink your whole schedule for the day? It’s like that, but it’s still… #onlytuesday

Apr 18, 2017

“Think I’ll just have one more drink,” – Socrates, after realizing that it’s still… #onlytuesday

Apr 25, 2017

That greasy feeling you get when you’ve spent half the day thinking it was Wednesday, but then you realize it’s still… #onlytuesday

May 2, 2017

It’s 8:30 at night & you’re still on the grind. But you’ll sleep when you’re dead because there’s shit to do & it’s still… #onlytuesday

May 9, 2017

Our president is channeling Nixon, like a Watergate reboot. But don’t worry it can always get worse, For instance, it’s still… #onlytuesday

May 16, 2017

TFW you wake up, watch the news, and immediately have an existential crisis, but buckle up buttercup because it’s still… #onlytuesday

May 23, 2017

Because you woke up an hour before your alarm & never quite got back to sleep & you realize it’s still #onlytuesday & it’s just beginning…

May 23, 2017

TFW people don’t get your dark humor, and, oh yeah, it’s still… #onlytuesday

May 30, 2017

You may have had a long weekend. You may have skipped the dreaded Monday. But guess what, it’s still… #onlytuesday

Jun 6, 2017

Ever fart in the shower, only to realize you trapped yourself in with the funk? It’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday

Jun 13, 2017

Corruption runs rampant, the Pres is a nutter & the leading law enforcement officer probably just lied under oath & it’s still #onlytuesday

Jun 20, 2017

Just when you think you’ve escaped the dreaded Monday, you wake up to realize that it’s still #onlytuesday and this is just the beginning

Jun 20, 2017

When you find yourself walking around your kitchen singing “gimme’ that old-time religion”, it hits you… F*!k, it’s still #onlytuesday

Jun 20, 2017

You thought you slipped by, & you may be about to clock out for the day, but you can’t hide from the awful truth… It’s still #onlytuesday

Jun 20, 2017

As his strength failed him at length he met a pilgrim shadow. Shadow said he how can it be, that it’s still #onlytuesday (apologies EA Poe)

Jun 20, 2017

In these waning hours, you think you might have narrowly escaped #onlytuesday, but beware… …Wednesday WAITS!

Jun 27, 2017

What frabjuous day! Calloo! Ca… What? It’s still #onlytuesday? F$%K! (apologies to L. Carroll)

Jul 4, 2017

Happy Independence Day! Try not to blow yourself up. You’ll need your strength for the rest of the week because it’s still #onlytuesday

Jul 11, 2017

Real wages for the bottom 60% have not risen since the 70s. Enjoy your rage because it’s still…  #onlytuesday & you need to get back to work

Jul 11, 2017

They call it stormy Monday, but Tuesday’s just as… what? It’s still #onlytuesday? Oh, for fuck’s sake! (Apologies to T-bone Walker)

Jul 18, 2017

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that today is still… #onlytuesday (Apologies to J. Austin)

Jul 25, 2017

Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money, because it’s still #onlytuesday

Jul 25, 2017

Give me a bottle of anything, and a glazed donut, to go… Because it’s still #onlytuesday

Aug 1, 2017

Yeah, the government’s falling apart & we’re 2 steps from WWIII, but at least it’s not still #onlytuesday. .. What? It is? F!*k me running!

Aug 8, 2017

Going to a friend’s wedding today. It might be the happiest day of your life, so go enjoy it. And to think, it’s still #onlytuesday

Aug 8, 2017

Day drinking at a Moose Lodge, because f&!k it, it’s still #onlytuesday

Aug 15, 2017

There’s a white supremacist in the White House, but it could be worse, at least it’s not still #onlytuesday… What? It is? Oh, come on!

Aug 15, 2017

RE: Recent Events – Have you ever been so disgusted you just fucking blacked out? It’s like that, and it’s still #onlytuesday

Aug 22, 2017

The eclipse came & went, and you didn’t get a single superpower. Oh yeah, and it’s still… #onlytuesday

Aug 22, 2017

The president has been in office for 7 months & 1 day, & he’s already campaigning. AND it’s still #onlytuesday? WTF?!

Aug 29, 2017

It may only be 2 days ’till @DragonCon, but it’s still… #onlytuesday

Sep 5, 2017

You may be recovering from @DragonCon, you may be back from a too-short vacation, but gird those loins because it’s still #onlytuesday

Sep 12, 2017

Ol’ Jack Burton looks that big ol’ storm straight in the eye and says, gimme your best shot pal, because it’s still #onlytuesday

Sep 19, 2017

You may have just finished a big project *ahem- novel -ahem*, but that doesn’t mean you’re done, because it’s still #onlytuesday

Sep 26, 2017

The President of the United States thinks you don’t have a right to protest, but buckle up buttercup, because it’s still… #onlytuesday

Sep 26, 2017

The current President espousing “respect” for our country is like listening to a hooker preach abstinence… & it’s still #onlytuesday

Oct 3, 2017

You bolt awake from the nightmare only to realize it was no dream. It is, in fact, still… #onlytuesday

Oct 10, 2017

Keep your night light burning. Over there! In the dark! It’s, it’s… …still #onlytuesday The horror, the horror…

Oct 17, 2017

That scratching you hear, behind the walls, out in the dark, it’s not a monster. It’s worse. It’s still… #onlytuesday

Oct 24, 2017

It’s creepy & it’s kooky, Mysterious & spooky, Oh fuck it’s #onlytuesday Something, something, Arrrrggghhhhh!

Oct 31, 2017

It slithers, skitters, scratches behind the walls. It creeps and it crawls, but worst of all, it’s still… #onlytuesday Happy Halloween!

Nov 7, 2017

Ever crap for 2 minutes & spend the next 20 minutes wiping your ass? It’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday

Nov 14, 2017

That feeling when you’re too depressed to come up w/ an “it’s only Tuesday” joke because it’s still… #onlytuesday #metaonlytuesday

Nov 21, 2017

Stress eating because you’re worried about all the weight you’re going to gain over Thanksgiving, yeah, it’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday

Nov 28, 2017

You may have finally recovered from Thanksgiving, you may have just gotten all the dishes washed and put away, you wipe your hands on your apron, satisfied at a job well done when you realize… Shit! It’s still #onlytuesday When will it end, oh god, when will it end?!

 

Dec 5, 2017

C: It’s beginning to look a lot like Tuesday, everywhere I go.

B: That’s because it’s still… #onlytuesday, Carl.

C: It is?

B: Yes, Carl.

C: Well, there goes my holiday spirit.

B: Good to know Carl.

Dec 12, 2017

C: Hey, Bob. Why doesn’t anyone seem to be in the x-mas spirit?

B: Because it’s Chanukah, Carl.

C: But that happens every year.

B: So does x-mas, Carl.

C: Nah, still don’t think that’s it.

B: Could be that it’s still #onlytuesday

C: Bah, humbug.

B: And a merry humbug to you, Carl

 

Dec 19, 2017

C: This fruitcake isn’t very festive.

B: You’re eating week-old birthday cake.

C: Thought it tasted off. *continues eating* Oh well, at least it’s not Tuesday.

B: No, Carl. It is, in fact still #onlytuesday

C: *spits out cake* Damn it, Bob!

B: Damn it indeed, Carl.

 

Dec 27, 2017

C: Hey Bob, did we miss an it’s #onlytuesday post.

B: I think we did, Carl.

C: But it’s the last one of the year!

B: It’s ok, Carl. The day after New Year’s is #onlytuesday too.

C: What?

B: They have them every week, Carl.

C: Why would they do that?

B: It’s a mystery, Carl.

 

Jan 2, 2018

TFW you’re excited to be keeping up with your New Year’s resolutions, but then you realize it’s still. .. #onlytuesday

Jan 9, 2018

It is little known that Tuesday is, in fact, the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. As he is something like the idiot cousin of the five, he has forgotten the exact date of the End Times, and shows up every week, just in case…

His arrival heralds nothing much, only half-hearted cries of: “Is it now?!” And even less-hearted responses of: “No, it’s still #onlytuesday .” – (this is not the Apocalypse you’re looking for. Move along.)

Jan 16, 2018

That cold, creeping sensation, spider-crawling down your spine, it could be the dark winter days, driving you mad with their eternal, bleak, sunless gray… OR It could be that it’s still… #onlytuesday

Jan 23, 2018

What rough beast, its hour come ’round at last, slouches toward… …what? It’s still #onlytuesday? Fuck that noise! *slouches back the other way*

 

Jan 30, 2018

C: Hey, Bob. You lookin’ forward to the State of the Union address?

B: I’d rather clean my ears with knitting needles, Carl.

C: That bad, huh Bob?

B: That bad, Carl.

C: Well, at least it’s not still #onlytuesday …

B: Uh, Carl…

C: Don’t tell me, Bob. Don’t tell me.

 

Feb 6, 2018

TFW when you’ve gone all day, and then something happens to remind you that it’s still… #onlytuesday

Feb 13, 2018

It’s Mardi Gras! Time to indulge in all the things you’d give up for Lent – if you were Catholic. So, eat too much, have a few drinks, kiss a stranger… Also, feel free to sink into abject hopelessness. After all, it’s still… #onlytuesday (Laissez les bon temps rouler)

Feb 20, 2018

As the teeth of the day grind rough against your spine, you throw your head skyward and beg the heavens for ease, And the heavens reply: “But it’s still #onlytuesday ”

Feb 27, 2018

Listening to Blind Willie Johnson’s “If I had My Way” and trying not to set the neighborhood on fire. And why would I do that? Because it’s still #onlytuesday! That’s Why!

*chants receding in the distance* “Burn it down, burn it down, burn it down, burn…”

Mar 6, 2018

You remember that time when you had the song “Stacy’s Mom” stuck in your head for more than an hour, and no matter what you did it just, wouldn’t, fucking dislodge itself? Yeah, it’s like that, because it’s still #onlytuesday

Mar 13, 2018

That face when Daylight Savings Time has you feeling beat like a rented mule, and then you realize it’s still #onlytuesday …the horror, the horror. ..

 

Mar 20, 2018

B: Why are you wearing a garland of flowers on your head Carl?

C: Did you forget it’s the first day of Spring Bob?

B: No, Carl. Did you forget it’s still #onlytuesday?

C: For one brief, shining, glorious moment, Bob. *tosses garland in trash*

B: You’re welcome, Carl.

 

Mar 27, 2018

It’s been more than a year, we’ve organized, we’ve marched, we’ve beseeched heads of state, we’ve cried to heaven, and it’s still #onlytuesday When will it end?

Apr 3, 2018

Your basketball team may have just won the championship, but March Madness is over, the excitement has left your life, and it’s still #onlytuesday

Apr 10, 2018

You know it’s #onlytuesday when you’ve gone all day and… …wait… …What? Really?! It’s still #onlytuesday? … Arrrrghhhhhh! *strangled gurgle*

Apr 17, 2018

Oh shit, it’s #onlytuesday I better come up with something funny to tweet. … Any minute now…

Apr 17, 2018

…Ever have to take a massive dump, right after you get out of the shower, and you’re like, “But I just washed that!”? Yeah, it’s like that, because it’s still #onlytuesday

Apr 24, 2018

When it feels like you can’t catch a break. When you’re filled with existential dread When it feels like the world is crumbling between your fingers, take heart… Because it’s still #onlytuesday And it can always get worse…

May 1, 2018

Happy May Day! to everyone who survived Walpurgisnacht. But we regret to inform you that it’s still #onlytuesday … (…and that’s why you should never piss off witches. Tuesdays all around!)

May 8, 2018

What have we come to, as a proud, democratic nation, when we allow this Tuesday thing to happen week in and week out? If this keeps up, we should have a meeting. Hold a rally. Demand redress of grievances. Remember: Your Vote Counts! (even if it’s still #onlytuesday )

May 15, 2018

When you feel the deep gurgling of the one fart that wants to be more… And there’s not a bathroom in sight. It’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday

May 22, 2018

TFW you’ve already written & erased 2 #onlytuesday tweets because they were too dark. Must be because it’s still #onlytuesday

May 22, 2018

It’s 10:30, and I already want to go back to sleep. I’d blame it on the fact that it’s still #onlytuesday, but that’s most days for me if I’m being honest.

May 29, 2018

Ever crap so hard all you can do is sit on the pot and wish someone would hold you and tell it’s going to be okay? It’s like that because it’s #onlytuesday

Jun 5, 2018

You may be working a short week, because you’re turning 40 on Thursday & you’ll be damned if you’re going to work on your birthday or through the inevitable hangover the next day, nonetheless it’s still #onlytuesday and that means…

Jun 12, 2018

It’s my first it’s #onlytuesday post since turning 40. I thought I’d mellow with age, but the fact that it’s still #onlytuesday has me all: Burn it down! Burn It Down! BURN IT DOWN!

Jun 19, 2018

Monday felt like a week unto it-fucking-self, and I woke up today with the existential, certain dread of knowing that it’s still #onlytuesday. Hope your week is going better.

Jun 19, 2018

The only good thing about #onlytuesday is that you have 4 days left in this week to contact your representative & tell that motherfucker that we don’t separate children from families and keep them in cages in modern America. Especially not people who have come to us for help.

Jun 26, 2018

Like heat lightning when you’re praying for rain. It’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday

Jun 26, 2018

“May the Forces of Evil become confused on their way to your house.” -a little blessing from St George (Carlin). George knows we need it because it’s still #onlytuesday Good luck.

Jul 3, 2018

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to recognize that it’s still… #onlytuesday … We hold these truths to be self-evident, that the week is too long, that time slows down the closer we get to the end of the day, & that our glasses are too empty for this.

Jul 10, 2018

Getting randomly angry in the middle of the day? Must be because it’s still #onlytuesday

Jul 17, 2018

Remember the glory days, the all or nothin’ days, days when you completely forgot the clock, days when your pulse raced and your blood sang… Remember all of that, and you might just get over the fact that it’s still… #onlytuesday …maybe…

Jul 24, 2018

When you realize the dog’s looking at you funny because you’ve been singing Ballin’ the Jack, out loud for the last ten minutes, must be because it’s still… #onlytuesday

*first you pull your two knees way up tight…*

Jul 24, 2018

TFW you’ve sat on the toilet so long you can’t remember a time when you weren’t shitting. It’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday (Long enough to deserve 2 posts)

Jul 31, 2018

A thing out of myths and legends. The stories are lies, but the horror is real. Again and again, it returns to darken your days and haunt your dreams because it’s still… #onlytuesday

(Run, you fools. RUN!)

Aug 7, 2018

Ever been in a meeting so long that your brain, along with your will to live, starts leaking out your ears? It’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday

Aug 14, 2018

When it’s too early to start drinking, that’s how you know it’s still… #onlytuesday

Aug 21, 2018

Ever notice people tell you they value your time while they’re busy wasting it? Yeah, it’s like that, because it’s still #onlytuesday *yes, I’ll hold*

 

Aug 28, 2018

B: It’s #onlytuesday. Oh, I’m sorry, Carl. You say that.

C: What, Bob?

B: It’s #onlytuesday.

C: It is?

B: No, Carl. You say that.

C: What?

B: It’s #onlytuesday.

C: It is? B: Never mind, Carl.

(with apologies to Mel Brooks)

*why do I always get a warped one?*

 

Sep 4, 2018

The Pres publicly excoriating the AG for doing the job, idiots are torching their Nikes, and it’s still #onlytuesday. What’s next? Kavanaugh just a bunch of barely sedated cobras stuffed in a suit? Ted Cruz actually the Zodiac killer, w/ a time machine? 1 day off isn’t enough…

Sep 11, 2018

If you find yourself angry, for no good fucking reason, it might be because it’s still… #onlytuesday

 

Sep 18, 2018

B: Carl, why are you carrying a pumpkin?

C: It’s the Autumnal Equinox, Bob.

B: That doesn’t explain why you’re also dressed like one.

C: I’m wrong to love Fall?

B: Guess not. Just 2 points?

C: What?

B: Equinox isn’t until Sat, & it’s still #onlytuesday

C: I hate you.

B: Happy fall, Carl.

 

Sep 25, 2018

You know it’s still #onlytuesday when the only thing you can do to pull out of the slump is listen to this song, over and over: AC/DC-big balls

Oct 2, 2018

There is a dark, writhing thing. It’s slippery-cold tendrils coil against your skin. It has always been here, the acid memory of it eating you from the inside. And only now, when it is too late, do you finally realize it’s still… #onlytuesday

Oct 9, 2018

Somewhere, out there in the night, Where the trees grow dense, and choke the light, Somewhere close, but just out of sight, it’s #onlytuesday waits to fright. … BOO!

Oct 23, 2018

Is it the hungry wraith that stalks the night? The foam-flecked wolf, ready to bite? Is it the blade-cold dark just before Midnight? No, something worse, because it’s still #onlytuesday Run, run for your life!

 

Oct 30, 2018

C: Why are you dressed up? Halloween isn’t until tomorrow.

B: I AM THE GRIM REAPER, CARL. I’VE COME FOR YOUR SOUL.

C: You’re just Bob in a costume.

B: NO.

C: No? You’re really Death?

B: YES.

C: But I’m too young to die.

B: IT IS YOUR TIME!

C: Please, no. I don’t want to go. Not yet! Please!

B: Calm down, Carl. It’s just me, Bob, in a costume.

C: It’s not my time? B: No, Carl, It’s not.

C: Whew. That’s a relief.

B: But it still #onlytuesday

C: I’ve changed my mind. I’m ready to go now.

B: Happy Halloween, Carl.

C: I hate you, Bob.

B: I know, Carl. I know. *laughs maniacally*

 

Nov 6, 2018

B: Hey, Carl.

C: Bob, if you’re going to tell me it’s still #onlytuesday again, don’t. I already know.

B: No. Carl. I was going to tell you that it’s still #ElectionDay & you should go vote.

  1. You mean I didn’t miss it?

B: No, Carl. You didn’t.

C: Woo-hoo!

B: Happy voting, Carl.

 

Nov 13, 2018

Ever put a Q-tip in your ear, pull it out, and it’s missing the cotton swab? And you can’t remember if it had one going in? Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still… #onlytuesday

*what is that rustling noise?*

 

Nov 20, 2018

B: Carl, why are you wearing sweatpants to work?

C: Need the elastic waist, Bob. *pats belly* Got to make room for Thanksgiving feasting.

B: But isn’t it still #onlytuesday ?

C: Got lots of warming up to do to be ready for Turkey Day,

B: Of course you do, Carl. Of course you do.

 

Nov 27, 2018

TFW you step out of a nice, hot shower on the first really cold day, yeah, it’s like that, because it’s still #onlytuesday *shivers convulsively* need more towels*

Dec 4, 2018

Ever find out you have a jagged fingernail, by accidentally scratching a bloody hole in your face? Yeah, it’s like that, because it’s still #onlytuesday

*it’s not a zit!*

Dec 11, 2018

They say just about anything is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but given that it’s still #onlytuesday I think I’d rather have the jaunty eye patch.

 

Dec 18, 2018

C: Hey, Bob, is that a statue of Cthulhu?

B: The Solstice approaches. Prepare for the Dark Dreamer’s awakening.

C: But what about Christmas?

B: There will be nothing left but ash in your stocking once the Great Abomination rises!

C: But I’m not ready for R’lyeh to rise!

B: Relax, Carl. It’s just a tiki cup I blackened with a blow torch. No biggie.

C: You’re not trying to summon the Elder Gods?

B: No, Carl. But it is still #onlytuesday

C: I’ll take the apocalypse.

B: Well, there’s still time.

C: IA! IA! CTHULHU FHTAGN!

B: IA, IA indeed, Carl.

 

Dec 25, 2018

C: Merry Christmas, Bob!

B: Not everyone celebrates Christmas, Carl. For some of us, it’s still #onlytuesday

C: How about Merry Tuesday, then?

B: I suppose that could work, Carl.

C: Then, MERRY TUESDAY, Bob!

B: Happy Christmas, Carl.

 

Jan 1, 2019

Well, it’s still #onlytuesday and #NewYearsDay you know what that means… … …1 down, 51 to go. (Seriously, though, have a happy New Year! I hope you have something to look forward to, to get you over all the Tuesday humps to come.)

Jan 8, 2019

Ever finished taking a dump and had the sinking feeling that you’re going to spend the rest of the day waiting for the other shoe to drop? Yeah, it’s like that, because it’s still #onlytuesday

Jan 15, 2019

ME: Why do I have Elvis’ Blue Christmas running on a loop in my head?

Also ME: No idea. Is it because it’s still #onlytuesday?

ME again: It’s a goddamn conspiracy! Somebody call that Texan that gets red-faced and yells a lot!

One more time, ME: Care to narrow that down a bit?

Jan 22, 2019

Yeah, today may have felt like Monday, all day, but once you realize it’s still #onlytuesday you… …wait a minute. It’s still Tuesday? Who thought up this bullshit?! That’s it. I’m calling a meeting and we’re going to sort this shit out… …We DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER!

Jan 29, 2019

Ever had the feeling you’re forgetting something? Has that feeling haunted you all day, like a dark shadow you just can’t shake? I had it, just a second ago. It was just on the tip of my tongue… …wait a minute! It can’t be that it’s still #onlytuesday can it? Well fuck!

Feb 5, 2019

So, the president’s going to give a little speech tonight. What’s he going to do, tell us it’s still #onlytuesday? *hears whisper from offstage* What?! No. Can’t be! The Union is doomed! *screaming in the background* *glass breaking* *explosions*

 

Feb 12, 2019

C: Hey Bob, any plans for Valentine’s Day?

B: I might be taking a certain someone out, Carl.

C: Ooh, who?

B: Your wife.

C: What?!

B: Relax, Carl. I’m just trying to distract you from the fact it’s still #onlytuesday

C: Oh, that’s good. For a minute I thought I was married.

 

Feb 19, 2019

Just had the religious folk show up on my doorstep, and I spent 10 minutes schooling them on the Bible. If there’s a more #onlytuesday moment, I’m missing it.

Feb 26, 2019

Ever had to hold in a fart, because you knew if you didn’t, things would not end well? Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday

Mar 5, 2019

Well, hell. I guess if it has to be #onlytuesday at least it’s a fat one. Laissez les bon temps rouler! *dodges flying beads*

Mar 12, 2019

Ever had that feeling on your hands, and you can’t tell if it’s cold, or wet, or a brain hemorrhage? Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday

(Does anyone else smell burning feathers?)

Mar 19, 2019

Ever had one of those mornings where, by 10 o’clock, you can honestly not remember if you brushed your teeth? Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday

(Does this taste funny? I think it tastes funny…)

Mar 26, 2019

Because day-long meetings must, Absolutely Must, include ice breakers & dramatic re-enactments. Must be #onlytuesday again.

Apr 2, 2019

Either I have developed hay fever, for the first time in 40 years, or I am actually becoming allergic to the fact that it’s still #onlytuesday. Really, it could go either way.

*sneezes uncontrollably until the furniture breaks*

Apr 9, 2019

For a moment this morning, I thought I had my underwear on backwards. Turns out, nope, it’s just still #onlytuesday. *…still doesn’t explain why I’m walking funny…*

Apr 16, 2019

I’ve erased several tweets already because they were just too mean. After all, it’s still #onlytuesday, why add to the misery?

Apr 16, 2019

TFW you’ve realized there aren’t enough drugs for this day. Must be still #onlytuesday.

*fekkin’ child-proof caps!*

Apr 23, 2019

THW you’re on the toilet, and you say, out loud, to your stomach, “You’re dead to me now…” Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday *Shhh, or it’ll hear you*

Apr 30, 2019

TFW you feel like you’re being drained of all your precious bodily fluids, but then you realize, no, it’s just that it’s still #onlytuesday. *somebody get me Slim Pickens!* #HowIlearnedtoStopWorryingandLovetheBomb #MineShaftGap

 

Apr 30, 2019

C: Hey, Bob. Why are you lighting candles and muttering?

B: Well, Carl, it’s Hexen Nacht.

C: Huh?

B: Witches’ Night, Carl.

C: Oh, I thought it was something really terrifying.

B: It’s also still #onlytuesday

C: Get the salt!

B: As much as you can, Carl, as much as you can.

 

May 7, 2019

TFW you want to gnaw on the skulls of everyone you meet, if they don’t let you get just a little more sleep. Is it me, or is it just because it’s still #onlytuesday?

(I’d think seriously about a helmet if I were you…)

May 14, 2019

Ever had the theme song from The Smurfs leap, unbidden, into your head and repeat itself, over and over like some psychotic fever-dream merry-go-round of your youth? Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday

*La La La-La-La-La La La-La La*

May 21, 2019

New thing, feel free to start using it: OFTS “Oh for Tuesday’s Sake!” Because let’s face it, the fact that it’s still #onlytuesday makes the odds of that other thing go way down.

*not that kind of going down*

May 28, 2019

When you had Monday off, and it still feels like Monday, that’s how you know it’s still #onlytuesday

Jun 4, 2019

TFW you’ve had the Dixie Chicks stuck in your head all day and now you only know two things with dreadful certainty: 1) that it’s definitely still #onlytuesday & 2) Earl really has to die. *whistles catchy murder song*

 

Jun 4, 2019

C: Hey Bob, what’s with the birthday cake?

B: HE’S got a birthday coming up.

C: He who?

B: The person that writes these little stories.

C: What little stories?

B: Us, Carl. Our stories.

C: Bob, you want me to believe there’s a person, typing these words at the very moment they are coming out of my mouth?

B: Yes, Carl. And he has a natal anniversary looming.

C: So, it’s like were some figment of someone else’s imagination?

B: Yes.

C: And this person, who is telling our story, has a birthday soon?

B: Naturally, hence the cake.

C: Whatever. Next, I bet you’ll try to convince me that it’s still #onlytuesday?

B: Well, now that you mention it…

C: Don’t say it, Bob. Don’t even.

B: I was just going to wish Him a happy early birthday.

C: Happy early birthday invisible person making me talk.

B: See. Carl, now you’re getting the idea.

C: This is Meta AF.

B: Indeed it is, Carl. Indeed it is.

 

Jun 11, 2019

Starting to get emails for life insurance and wondering if I should be worried, but no, turns out it’s just that it’s still #onlytuesday. *it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you*

Jun 18, 2019

You’ve come all this way, right to the edge and beyond, pushing yourself past every limit, only to discover, with a hollow certainty, that you’ve been here the whole time… … and it’s still #onlytuesday

Jun 25, 2019

Was thinking of an #onlytuesday post, then remembered we’re keeping babies in cages & people are arguing if Concentration Camps is the right term as opposed to storming the goddamn things & doing what we know is right as human beings, & decided it was bad enough already.

 

Jul 2, 2019

B: In light of the coming holiday, Carl & I would like to take this time to talk a little about fireworks safety. Carl?

C: Hold on a sec, Bob. Just got to get this fuse lit.

B: Is that a bottle rocket sticking out of…

C: Sure is.

B: Dear lord, Carl, we’re here to talk safety.

C: Well, you could work the lighter.

B: Not that type of safety.

C: I’m wearing safety glasses.

B: Eyes should be the least of your worries.

C: Really, why?

B: Because the 4th is on Thursday & it’s still #onlytuesday

C: Damn, should’ve used a longer fuse.

B: Indeed, Carl. Indeed

 

Jul 9, 2019

Was trying to think up a Tuesday joke, but remembered that our gov’t is keeping children in cages & we still haven’t stormed those camps like the fucking Bastille! But take heart, ’cause it’s #onlytuesday and there’s still time.

*maybe when I get the blood out of my eyes.*

Jul 16, 2019

Warren Zevon is dead, and Justin Beiber continues to make albums. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s still #onlytuesday. *Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money…*

Jul 23, 2019

You know it’s Tuesday when you haven’t been able to think up a decent #onlytuesday joke all day. *Now in NEW depressing meta*

Jul 30, 2019

The sun’s gone down here in the East. Could it be, did we escape? Shhhh, quiet now. It’s still #onlytuesday for a few more hours. maybe we’ll just slip by…

Aug 6, 2019

Ever notice how it takes longer to wipe when you’re in a hurry? Is it just me, or can we blame it on the fact that it’s still #onlytuesday?

Aug 13, 2019

TFW you’ve had K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s “Boogie Shoes” repeating in your head for the last hour or so. Is it a stroke, or is it just that it’s still #onlytuesday?

Aug 20, 2019

Went through my entire workout listening to Grand Funk Railroad’s cover of “The Loco-Motion” on repeat. Could it be indicative of a perilous mental state, or is it just that it’s still #onlytuesday? You be the judge

*you gotta’ swing your hips now…*

Aug 20, 2019

I managed to survive #onlytuesday, thanks mostly to a constant loop of The Loco-Motion running in my head. Probably won’t be any ill effects, right? I’ll let you know if I feel any come on…

…come on do the Loco-Motion, come on, come on do the Loco-motion with me,

Aug 27, 2019

TFW you’re trying to pick change up off a smooth surface right after you cut your nails. Yeah, It’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday. *seriously, just put it in my fekkin’ hand. I wash, semi-regularly*

Sep 3, 2019

The fact that it still feels like Monday is the single most #onlytuesday thing in history.

*holiday, my ass*

Sep 10, 2019

Where were you when you learned that bacon does not pair well with Cherry Coke Zero? Well, I’m not sure where I was, but I’m pretty sure it was still #onlytuesday at the time.

*I thought bacon went w/ everything? *

Sep 17, 2019

TFW you discover the ‘Wipe Reflex’ for the first time… Yeah, it’s like that because it’s still #onlytuesday

 

Sep 24, 2019

C: Hey, Bob. Why are you wearing all black?

B: Yesterday was the Equinox, Carl. I’m celebrating the Season of Dying.

C: You mean Fall?

B: Yes, Carl Fall.

C: Oh good. Thought something horrible happened like it’s still #onlytuesday.

B: Well…

C: Not now, Bob. I’m in mourning.

 

Oct 1, 2019

I don’t know what foul, unnamable deed we committed to be cursed with this baleful day, this pestilent #onlytuesday, but it probably has something to do with the fact that your mama don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock ‘n roll. *well, that’s what I heard.*

Oct 8, 2019

It looks like I drink a lot on vacation, and I do. But I haven’t forgotten that it’s still #onlytuesday for the rest of you, and you have my sympathies. I’ll drink one* in your honor. *one for each of you. ** If I’m not back in a week, alert the authorities.

Oct 15, 2019

Here’s a petty thing that’s pissing me off: People who use the word “guise” when they really mean “mode”. Oh, and the fact it’s still #onlytuesday doesn’t help any either…

Oct 15, 2019

I just sat through a meeting/ Q & A with so many canned answers I’m thinking of starting a scrap metal drive. Oh Yeah, and apparently it’s still #onlytuesday… I’m beginning to notice a pattern.

Oct 22, 2019

There’s an eerie howling like the wind through the eaves. You shut every window, lock every door. Still, it follows you as you search in vain for its source. Is it an unquiet spirit, moaning for your very soul? Or is it still #onlytuesday & it’s just your stuffy nose whistling?

 

About tessarnold2

I'm a writer, and someone generally crazy enough to think other people will be interested in his deranged thoughts. You can also find me on Twitter @tessrants
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